Crushing

Dear Diary,

Writing always soothes me. When I'm having a difficult time processing anything I just listen to my music or write something. I have doing the listening a lot lately, and today I have decided to write. I just stared this new job, I actually enjoy working in this place. I have a really good boss, and amazing officemate. My office mate is a combination of beauty, sweet, crazy and kind. I actually consider her a friend even though we have worked together for only two months.

I have amazing people here, good and crazy and ofcourse I have met the mean. And it all comes together very interestingly. My office mate has a crush on someone, although I think its more than that now, its been a while now since she started 'crushing' on him, so its probably more than just office crush. This guy is generally a good guy, with an ego and arrogance that I think makes him so appealing to most girls. Most girls including myself. I'm never a 'friends who are boys' kinda girl, infact I don't really have any friend who is a boy. But I have also found myself becoming very close to this same guy my mate is crushing on.

He is so easy to talk to and somehow that appeals to most girls. Apart from my husband, he is the only other guy I can talk to. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it works out between my mate and this guy. And at the same time pray that whatever friendship exists me and him remains the same and anything more.

Love
Rubi

Happiness

Dear Diary,

Life is a riddle, and to solve one needs to just keep going. A year ago if you asked me what mylife would be like today my answer would have been complete opposite of what mylife is today. The important thing is I'm happy, and I have a wonderful family. God has been kind to me, he has given me all that a person needs to be happy. And today I celebrate my God.

I look at my baby and I know that I have been truly blessed, healthy and active and as cute as a button, and I know that everything I have lost has been given back to me through him. He is such a blessing, he makes me so happy, and he is such a calm baby. He makes motherhood for me feel like paradise. I can not imagine my life without him right now, my happiness is deeply engrossed in his bright brown eyes.

My career is at a standstill, I have not been able to do a lot because of the baby. I had to be a fulltime mum to ensure that his progress was going well. I don't regret it though. Not for a minute, because the progress that he has would not have been possible if I was distracted by anything else.

Everything else will come, but for now I'm just a wife and a mum, until further notice.

Yours Truly,
Rubi

Becoming a Parent

A lot has happened to me since this year started. A lot of bad, but also a lot of good and blessings. My motto is always to "count my blessings" and leave my trials to my God to take care of. I honestly believe that God will not let us go through trials that we can not handle. Failing to have faith and stand up to our trials is failing God. However, my particular point of focus today is "parenthood" becoming a parent to someone and how it all feels.To me, it still feels surreal. I was pregnant with fraternal twins, and after a lot of complication I had to give birth prematurely at 30weeks. My baby boy survived, unfortunately his twin sister wasn't so lucky. Now back to my Son. . . .He was born on 13th January at around 11:20pm. The most amazing feeling on earth was when I heard his first cry. So tiny but he gave out a very powerful cry. In between the ordeal of pain that followed, all I could think of was my son. I should have been heart broken when I was told my daughter didn't make it, and I was and deep down it still hurts, but the thought that God gave me a chance to become a parent to myson was too comforting.When I saw him, my heart simply melted with Joy, a tiny human being, so fragile lying there in the incubator, and most amazingly breathing on his own through his tiny lungs. To me, it was a living miracle, and whenever I look at him now I still see my miracle, a hand of God. His little gestures makes me smile, he is sooo adorable, and sometimes I waste hours just staring at him, mostly in his sleep. Everything he does just fills my heart with Joy. As a human being I reached a breaking point once or twice in the past month, however I didn't break, because the will to live and take care of myson was too great that a will to die. He was the diving line between my absolute sanity and a full blown insanity.Ofcourse the Joy comes with the worries as well. I worry sometimes when I'm not around him, I even worry at times when I'm holding him. I guess worrying comes with the job. Given that he was prematurely it adds more pressure to my worrying. But amidst all that " I thank my God for this wonderful gift" A friend of mine wrote to me that " becoming a parent is allowing your heart to be walking around the world". And I totally agree, a part of my heart is lying right next to me. And through my "parenthood dumbness" I wonder if this feeling will ever change.I love you son, and you are a part of me, a big chunk of my heart.To Estefan Victory,
With Love.

My Vanishing Daughter

Dear Diary,

I write I'm emotional. Whether I'm happy, or sad or excited, all all other emotions u an think of. Right now I do not really even know what emotions I'm feeling, I only know that I'm really reaally emotional. Loosing a child is most heart breaking thing that can happen to a human especially a human. Carrying a child in your womb it does not matter for how long, feeling the movements in my tummy, the kicks and then that child dies either before u give birth, or during birth or later in life, a piece of your soul goes with that child.

I lost a baby recently, a baby girl during birth. It was really a human error that led to this death. However my intention is not to blame these humans, and I never have. I believe that God has a plan, for me and everyone in mylife, and I know that my baby girl is in a better place right now, I know all that with a great conviction. I'm a believer, and I believe in jesus christ and holy trinity. It comforts me to know that there is a higher power looking out for me.

However, as a human, sometimes u just can't help it. You just can't help it but be sad, really sad because of the things like these. I have been so strong for my family, for my husband, and for my fiends. Further more I have been really trying to be so strong for my remaining child (a boy twin) who is still in the incubator, I know being sad will hinder my ability to take care of him, and I have told myself over and over again that I'm a good mother for doing this for myson. But again I was also a mother to my vanished daughter, and up to now I can still feel her kicks and her movements in my womb. The pain is unbearable. Forgive me God, but I have really tried to be strong. And finally today I had to cry, and remember my daughter. I know she knew that I loved her, and I would have been a terrific mother to her. I can't even miss her because I didn't even see her face. I was too scared to see her face, too scared that everytime I look at her twin brother its her face that I was going to see.

I'm no a saint, but I am a good enough person. I know that all this happens in life, shit happens right? But I have never prayed harder than I'm praying right now, foe my vanished Angel's soul and fr my remaining child, myson. He is still in the incubator, still in the hands of the same people who erred and killed his sister. He is so tiny fragile, and everytime I touch him the only thought that comes into my mind is what if something happens to him as well? What if another mistake happens?

I believe in you God, and I am putting my faith in you out here in public, so that I can comeback and proclaim my victory here as well. Please God, take care of myson, I place him in your hands, I know my worries and tears will not save him, only you can Jehovah. My Jesus Christ and all your angels please guide over my remaining little Angel. Amen

Yours Truly,
Rubi