Grieving

Dear diary,

People grieve in different ways, there are those whose grief can not be hidden from other people because they grief so openly, and there are those people who appear to be strong on the outside but on the inside they are really melting. I am the second group, I usually don't cry in front of the crowd, it rarely ever happens. I cry when I'm with the few people that I love and I cry when I'm alone. I lost my grandfather three years ago, he was a very important person to me, among the first people to be there for at 100%capacity. I was hurt, he was the first close person I ever lost. To make. The matters worse I was not there for his burial, I couldn't because I was away.

To date, I still grief, whenever I remember him I can not help it by cry, and I get these episodes a lot. So I used to think I was feeling this way because I did nit witness him being buried, you know when you witness that I used to think it brings the sense of finality in your heart. But boy! I was wrong, As you know I lost my dad almost two weeks ago. And I made it a point to stay strong for my family, which I managed very well, but my strength failed me when he was being lowered to the grave, I couldn't come to terms with it, it got even worse when they let go of his coffin with a thump as it hit the bottom of the grave, that's a one sound I know I will never ever forget. It felt like a hundred knives cutting through my intestines, so painful and so unreal. For once I believed that it was maybe a bad bad dream and I would wake up, but it wasn't because if it is them I'm still asleep.

And since after the burial, I have been getting grief episodes, when I'm alone in the car it seems to hit me that he is really gone. I can't call him or text him, or even whatsapp him because he is not there. It hurts like hell. I went to visit my step mum yesterday and my siblings, My stepmum is a strong woman and a good woman too. She is young and I do not think its fair that she is going to spend the rest of her life alone. Knowing African women I know she won't remarry, or even have any serious relationship, its very sad. I look at her and I can't help being mad at my dad for leaving her all alone, with all the responsibilities and the burdens. Dad, you have some explaining to do when we meet again, and you know the way I can be persistent!

My little sister is another pitiful sight. You know, everyone expected her to be so sad when she arrived from UK, but she was so fine, in fact too fine to be true. I knew that the truth had not hit her yet, and I knew that it will and it will break her. Now that she is back in town after the burial, poor thing, she is so sad, I know I'm in pain, but I can not even start measuring up to her pain because she had been with dad the longest and she was his favourite child. She of all of us will miss dad the most. I say again our dad had his flaws as any human being does, however he had a way of taking care of things that automatically had all of us depending on him. He had a way of getting things done with only one phone call, that is amongst the things I'll miss the most.

So, my grief is far from over, I'm still trying to comprehend the idea of loosing my dad before I got to enjoy him. But I hope that time heals wounds, and I pray that it heals me and mend my insides.

Yours Truly,
Rubi

Gone Daddy Gone

Dear Diary,

Life is mystery, with so many hidden secrets and a lot of unanswered questions. Some people spend their entire lives trying to solve this riddle called life, while others simply choose to let it flow and enjoy the ride. Of all the riddles that life has to offer, there's none as painful as death. For we do not know what dead people feel, this pain I am referring to is to those who are left behind. Pain so excruciating that no amount of painkillers can take away. Death brings such heartache that even greatest scientists are yet to discover the medicine for. Death to many marks the last time, last laugh, last conversation, last meal, and everything that means a lot to human. Death simply means never being able to see someone forever. Well at least for us who believe in Jesus, until we also die.

I lost my father last week on friday 19th. That is the day will never forget. The pain and all the regrets and thoughts that came flowing into my mind were immeasurable. The pain that even my first break-up does not stand a chance when measured with. A kind of pain that no words will ever be able to explain. Only my heart knows, still does. Regrets of not having used the little I had been given with him wisely, regrets that I did not get a chance to have one more last decent conversation with him. Regrets that I will never be able to hear his voice again. And thoughts of how life was going to change now forever.

I spent my childhood wondering about my biological father. Being a step child to a very Loving stepfather did not leave much room for pain, however I still wondered. I had a song that whenever I thought of him I would find myself singing silently , "daddy wherever you are remember me". And today, for the first time in two years I find myself singing it because I would like to believe that he can hear me now that he is a spirit. I would like to believe that he is somewhere watching me and seeing how much pain and regrets I have for not being such a perfect daughter to him.

My Dad and I didn't know eac other very well, perhaps the fact that I first met him when I was 24years old didn't help much either. He had his faults like all human beings do and most of the time I found myself being irritated by such shortcomings. However I will be lacking gratitude if I fail to comment on what a good father he also was to my siblings, and given a chance he would have been to me as well without a doubt. He spent a lot of time trying to convince my mum to let him mylife, and let him be a part of it. She never allowed it, and I don't blame her because of the pain he had caused her once upon a time. I love my mother, and I do not blame her for never allowing me to have a relationship with my dad and his family because inturn she provided me with a loving family and doting stepfather to me. However, I would give anything right now to just have more time with my dad. Just talk to him, hear him laugh, comment abot my weight or my sister's lack of direction in her career or even hear his voice as he postpones yet again sending me my last instalment for my college fee. Just hear him say anything at all to me.

Death is the finality of everything, the moment they start covering him with dirt only marks the end of tangible him, and that is the moment that hurts the most. I knew my dad for very few years, however it felt like a life time, because now I have it all. The good memories, sour, and the fights and the jokes, he was always so full of life and really a carefree person which was both his best and worst quality. I never said this enough to him when he was alive . . . But I really loved my dad, and whereever he is I hope he knows and sees how much I did and still do.

Remember me Daddy, until we meet again in the clouds

With much love
Your Daughter

Terrible week

Dear diary,

This has been terrible week. I do not remember the last time i had so many misfortunes happen to me at once. I have cried and been in pain both physically and mentally,and as it comes to an end my heart is still heavy from all that has happened to me, and to some of the pain that I am sure that I am carrying with me to the coming week.

Iv been beaten this week, physically physically beaten. And before that my mum fell terribly ill and it was so scary, that evening was so long. The next day my younger brother, the guy whose dipers I changed as a baby beat me up so bad, in the presence of my sick mum. And then that evening stupid my ex who later dated myfriend simply decided to say that I slept with him while he was dating myfriend. Ad if that was not enough my mother who has recovered now simply decided that my beating from my brother was all my fault and I deserved it. So Im in a big fight with her

As if i hadnt had enough crap for the week these two fools, my brother inlaw and his wife had bought a car without telling his mother who also happens to be my almost mother inlaw, somehow she found out that they have bought a car and guess what? The idiots decides that it has to be me whu must have told her. Im so down, im really sad and confused and sad. Im hoping and pray that all this comes to an end.

I have never contemplated suicide but this week has pushed me to the limit. Keeping in mind that I am so broke, i am super broke and I hate begging. I know that this is just a storm and i know it will pass, but God I hope it does fast, coz im not sure for how long I can hold on.

Yours truly
Rubi