Dear diary,
Sadness is very tricky. It has a way of sneaking up on you and catch you offguard. Everybody has a sad place in their heart. A place where you avoid to often in your heart because the memories and the feelings are too painful to relieve. But, once in a while something happens and it sends straight to that closed door and everything that was buttoned and closed in comes out flooding the heart and the brain and the pain is incredibly unbearable. Sadness is very tricky.
I have a sad place in my heart, mine is full of the people I have lost. Somehow death really gets to me. Im never fully able to accept loss and the memories I had with people who are usually make me cry. The saddest room in my heart is my daughter Aneesa.
Im thankful for my boy. He is healthy,loving and so alert. But everytime i look at him something reminds me that he should have had a twin sister. Now I know that there are women out there who have had several miscarriages, so who am I to speak. But the thing is my daughter was not a miscarriage. She was a baby who had a twin and her twin survived and because of human error she did not live to see me, her mum. She was healthy and lively and sometimes when i remember her i can still feel the way she used to move in my womb. I miss her.
I was pregnant with twins in 2013. January 1st 2014 i was 28weeks pregnant with fratenal twins and my amniotic fluid started leaking. I went to the hsopital and i was placed in a complete bed rest at the hospital for two weeks. And two weeks later i started getting contactions. I gave birth to my son at 11:23pm to a healthy baby boy. But my daughter came out hand first. When I close my eyes I can still hear the voice of that lady doctor who was in my delivery room saying "Let her be and call her specialist". My specialit took at least 20min to get there at the hospital, and by the time he got there I had not even been preped for surgery. I was taken for surgery and I lost my daughter. She did not survive her ordeal. I couldnt bring myself to see her. It was too painful and I had to stay collected for myson.
Even now, I still feel so guilty being sad, because i feel like its unfair to myson because he is here, he stayed, he lived and yet im crying over the daughter I lost. So i bottle it up nicely and neatly and keep these feeling inside. I feel guilty subjecting myhusband through so much pain again, to tell him what im going through everyday is a touture for him. So a day like today I hust write it down, it helps somehow because I know a stranger will read it and will may be feel sorry or may someone else out there is going through what Im going through too, so this will be a comfort to them knowing that they are not alone.
I miss you baby girl. Rest in peace my ANEESA. I will always love you.
Yours truly
Rubi
