People grieve in different ways, there are those whose grief can not be hidden from other people because they grief so openly, and there are those people who appear to be strong on the outside but on the inside they are really melting. I am the second group, I usually don't cry in front of the crowd, it rarely ever happens. I cry when I'm with the few people that I love and I cry when I'm alone. I lost my grandfather three years ago, he was a very important person to me, among the first people to be there for at 100%capacity. I was hurt, he was the first close person I ever lost. To make. The matters worse I was not there for his burial, I couldn't because I was away.
To date, I still grief, whenever I remember him I can not help it by cry, and I get these episodes a lot. So I used to think I was feeling this way because I did nit witness him being buried, you know when you witness that I used to think it brings the sense of finality in your heart. But boy! I was wrong, As you know I lost my dad almost two weeks ago. And I made it a point to stay strong for my family, which I managed very well, but my strength failed me when he was being lowered to the grave, I couldn't come to terms with it, it got even worse when they let go of his coffin with a thump as it hit the bottom of the grave, that's a one sound I know I will never ever forget. It felt like a hundred knives cutting through my intestines, so painful and so unreal. For once I believed that it was maybe a bad bad dream and I would wake up, but it wasn't because if it is them I'm still asleep.
And since after the burial, I have been getting grief episodes, when I'm alone in the car it seems to hit me that he is really gone. I can't call him or text him, or even whatsapp him because he is not there. It hurts like hell. I went to visit my step mum yesterday and my siblings, My stepmum is a strong woman and a good woman too. She is young and I do not think its fair that she is going to spend the rest of her life alone. Knowing African women I know she won't remarry, or even have any serious relationship, its very sad. I look at her and I can't help being mad at my dad for leaving her all alone, with all the responsibilities and the burdens. Dad, you have some explaining to do when we meet again, and you know the way I can be persistent!
My little sister is another pitiful sight. You know, everyone expected her to be so sad when she arrived from UK, but she was so fine, in fact too fine to be true. I knew that the truth had not hit her yet, and I knew that it will and it will break her. Now that she is back in town after the burial, poor thing, she is so sad, I know I'm in pain, but I can not even start measuring up to her pain because she had been with dad the longest and she was his favourite child. She of all of us will miss dad the most. I say again our dad had his flaws as any human being does, however he had a way of taking care of things that automatically had all of us depending on him. He had a way of getting things done with only one phone call, that is amongst the things I'll miss the most.
So, my grief is far from over, I'm still trying to comprehend the idea of loosing my dad before I got to enjoy him. But I hope that time heals wounds, and I pray that it heals me and mend my insides.
Yours Truly,
Rubi
