Thursday, February 20, 2014

Becoming a Parent



A lot has happened to me since this year started. A lot of bad, but also a lot of good and blessings. My motto is always to "count my blessings" and leave my trials to my God to take care of. I honestly believe that God will not let us go through trials that we can not handle. Failing to have faith and stand up to our trials is failing God. However, my particular point of focus today is "parenthood" becoming a parent to someone and how it all feels.To me, it still feels surreal. I was pregnant with fraternal twins, and after a lot of complication I had to give birth prematurely at 30weeks. My baby boy survived, unfortunately his twin sister wasn't so lucky. Now back to my Son. . . .He was born on 13th January at around 11:20pm. The most amazing feeling on earth was when I heard his first cry. So tiny but he gave out a very powerful cry. In between the ordeal of pain that followed, all I could think of was my son. I should have been heart broken when I was told my daughter didn't make it, and I was and deep down it still hurts, but the thought that God gave me a chance to become a parent to myson was too comforting.When I saw him, my heart simply melted with Joy, a tiny human being, so fragile lying there in the incubator, and most amazingly breathing on his own through his tiny lungs. To me, it was a living miracle, and whenever I look at him now I still see my miracle, a hand of God. His little gestures makes me smile, he is sooo adorable, and sometimes I waste hours just staring at him, mostly in his sleep. Everything he does just fills my heart with Joy. As a human being I reached a breaking point once or twice in the past month, however I didn't break, because the will to live and take care of myson was too great that a will to die. He was the diving line between my absolute sanity and a full blown insanity.Ofcourse the Joy comes with the worries as well. I worry sometimes when I'm not around him, I even worry at times when I'm holding him. I guess worrying comes with the job. Given that he was prematurely it adds more pressure to my worrying. But amidst all that " I thank my God for this wonderful gift" A friend of mine wrote to me that " becoming a parent is allowing your heart to be walking around the world". And I totally agree, a part of my heart is lying right next to me. And through my "parenthood dumbness" I wonder if this feeling will ever change.I love you son, and you are a part of me, a big chunk of my heart.To Estefan Victory,
With Love.









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