I am a WOMAN

Dear diary,

Its safe to say that I have had a crappy week, my body wasn't having it and my mind was playing its own tricks, writing its own fictional stories. My tummy was hurting for two days and I had to break my fasts to take some remedies.

However, in its adventure my mind got me wondering about sacrifices women make in life. Where we are coming from women used to be home makers, so basically rare children and take care of the house hold and the husband would be the breadwinner. But slowly the situation started changing and its in its full blown colors now. What happens now is that a woman is supposed to give birth to babies, make sure the house hold is in order, cook for her husband and children or at least make sure the food is properly cooked, make sure the house is clean especially her bedroom, make sure clothes are washed and ironed including even boxers sometimes. at the same time a woman is also supposed to be a breadwinner. No man wants to marry a woman who doesn't bring income to the family. So on top of all that a woman is supposed to do something to bring in an income>

Saying that such situation is stressful is an understatement of the year. And without forgetting the most important part of all"being a whore and sexy in the bedroom for her husband" women are born slaves, looked upon as such and dies as such. When a couple can not have a child the society automatically assumes its a woman problem, never the mans though, and dear kind men never volunteer to set the record straight even when they know the truth.

As sad as it is, this is a situation all over the world, and it has been accepted as a way of living and the way things should be. To make the matters worse men get all the praise for anything good that comes from the family. You build a nice house its all The man, successful kids, nice car, even when a woman cooks nice food its all a man's good work. Dare a woman fail to reach these standards and an entire world will know what kind of a failure that woman is. The world is not a fair place.

Yours Truly
Rubi

My love for music

Dear Diary,
My love for music is complicated.I love music and I can listen to almost any kind of music. But it's not necessarily a rule in my book that when I love the music I must also like the ertist, or when I love the artist I must strictly love all their music. And I don't have a particular kind of music that I like for me it's bout the message and how that particular music make me feel or connect with me at that particular time', the memories attached to the song and such things. so as I said it's complicated relationship.

There's one indisputable fact however that I can do a lot more writing and thinking when there's a loud noise from good music. I can write a lot more and read a lot more and understand much better when there's music. But since writing is my real first passion then I'm using the music as a bridge to do what I love the most; putting my rumbling thoughts into words and for that I'm quite pleased with myself.

Again, I have also realized that I have a tendency of using loud music as an escape route when I fell like I'm suffocating in a sea of thoughts especially sad thoughts. Sad thoughts have a way creeping up in my head uninvited and then ruin my day so loud music in my case really does the trick. So since discovering this I dare say my head is quite quite place.

Thank you music and to all good artists who take time to write down good music. As of current I'm totally addicted to Jessie J, especially price tag and flashlight. I have played them on repeat so many times that I can tell everyone in my house knows them by heart now but hey "I pay the bills" that gives me a free pass to listen to whatever kind of music I want and as many times as I possibly can or until my obsession with that particular track runs out

Enough of the rumbling today, back to you Jessie J

Rubi

Tricky Sadness

Dear diary,

Sadness is very tricky. It has a way of sneaking up on you and catch you offguard. Everybody has a sad place in their heart. A place where you avoid to often in your heart because the memories and the feelings are too painful to relieve. But, once in a while something happens and it sends straight to that closed door and everything that was buttoned and closed in comes out flooding the heart and the brain and the pain is incredibly unbearable. Sadness is very tricky.

I have a sad place in my heart, mine is full of the people I have lost. Somehow death really gets to me. Im never fully able to accept loss and the memories I had with people who are usually make me cry. The saddest room in my heart is my daughter Aneesa.

Im thankful for my boy. He is healthy,loving and so alert. But everytime i look at him something reminds me that he should have had a twin sister. Now I know that there are women out there who have had several miscarriages, so who am I to speak. But the thing is my daughter was not a miscarriage. She was a baby who had a twin and her twin survived and because of human error she did not live to see me, her mum. She was healthy and lively and sometimes when i remember her i can still feel the way she used to move in my womb. I miss her.

I was pregnant with twins in 2013. January 1st 2014 i was 28weeks pregnant with fratenal twins and my amniotic fluid started leaking. I went to the hsopital and i was placed in a complete bed rest at the hospital for two weeks. And two weeks later i started getting contactions. I gave birth to my son at 11:23pm to a healthy baby boy. But my daughter came out hand first. When I close my eyes I can still hear the voice of that lady doctor who was in my delivery room saying "Let her be and call her specialist". My specialit took at least 20min to get there at the hospital, and by the time he got there I had not even been preped for surgery. I was taken for surgery and I lost my daughter. She did not survive her ordeal. I couldnt bring myself to see her. It was too painful and I had to stay collected for myson.

Even now, I still feel so guilty being sad, because i feel like its unfair to myson because he is here, he stayed, he lived and yet im crying over the daughter I lost. So i bottle it up nicely and neatly and keep these feeling inside. I feel guilty subjecting myhusband through so much pain again, to tell him what im going through everyday is a touture for him. So a day like today I hust write it down, it helps somehow because I know a stranger will read it and will may be feel sorry or may someone else out there is going through what Im going through too, so this will be a comfort to them knowing that they are not alone.
I miss you baby girl. Rest in peace my ANEESA. I will always love you.

Yours truly
Rubi

Sleepless

Dear Diary,

Its 2am and I can not sleep. My mind is full of thoughts about mylife. How it is going and how I thought it would be going by now. My heart is heavy and i have tears in my eyes, yet I cant really explain why. Its difficult to let things go when one had too much expectations of what the future will bring.

Im worried about my family, my parents in particular. Their health both mentaly and physically. Im worried about myson, he fell sick in december and now he is undet medication everyday since then. Silver lining is he started walking this month at 25months. But im still worried, what if he really has leigh syndrome? What if I lose him too?

I also miss my daughter. I wonder what she would have looked like, everytime I look at his twin I cant help it but remember her. I regrett never seeing herface, not seeing what she looked like. I misd what mylife would have been

Yours Truly
Rubi