I write I'm emotional. Whether I'm happy, or sad or excited, all all other emotions u an think of. Right now I do not really even know what emotions I'm feeling, I only know that I'm really reaally emotional. Loosing a child is most heart breaking thing that can happen to a human especially a human. Carrying a child in your womb it does not matter for how long, feeling the movements in my tummy, the kicks and then that child dies either before u give birth, or during birth or later in life, a piece of your soul goes with that child.
I lost a baby recently, a baby girl during birth. It was really a human error that led to this death. However my intention is not to blame these humans, and I never have. I believe that God has a plan, for me and everyone in mylife, and I know that my baby girl is in a better place right now, I know all that with a great conviction. I'm a believer, and I believe in jesus christ and holy trinity. It comforts me to know that there is a higher power looking out for me.
However, as a human, sometimes u just can't help it. You just can't help it but be sad, really sad because of the things like these. I have been so strong for my family, for my husband, and for my fiends. Further more I have been really trying to be so strong for my remaining child (a boy twin) who is still in the incubator, I know being sad will hinder my ability to take care of him, and I have told myself over and over again that I'm a good mother for doing this for myson. But again I was also a mother to my vanished daughter, and up to now I can still feel her kicks and her movements in my womb. The pain is unbearable. Forgive me God, but I have really tried to be strong. And finally today I had to cry, and remember my daughter. I know she knew that I loved her, and I would have been a terrific mother to her. I can't even miss her because I didn't even see her face. I was too scared to see her face, too scared that everytime I look at her twin brother its her face that I was going to see.
I'm no a saint, but I am a good enough person. I know that all this happens in life, shit happens right? But I have never prayed harder than I'm praying right now, foe my vanished Angel's soul and fr my remaining child, myson. He is still in the incubator, still in the hands of the same people who erred and killed his sister. He is so tiny fragile, and everytime I touch him the only thought that comes into my mind is what if something happens to him as well? What if another mistake happens?
I believe in you God, and I am putting my faith in you out here in public, so that I can comeback and proclaim my victory here as well. Please God, take care of myson, I place him in your hands, I know my worries and tears will not save him, only you can Jehovah. My Jesus Christ and all your angels please guide over my remaining little Angel. Amen
Yours Truly,
Rubi
