Off_Guard

Dear Diary,

Today I'm feeling a little queasy. Things in mylife have been a mixture of good and bad lately, and I'm honestly at loss as to what to feel exactly. This previous weekend was one of the most happy days of mylife, I was betrothed by the love of mylife. It felt good and still does. My parents are so pleased with me, for I am giving them something that every African parents dreams of.

On the other hand I'm at loss as what to with my siblings. I think something from space hit them in the head, because I do not understand how they can be acting so stubborn , reckless and careless. I hate to see my parents hurt, and I'm not saying I have always been a good girl. In my days I hurt them too, there were times I said things I shouldn't have, and acted the way I shouldn't have, but whatever I did back then my two siblings are doing it tenfold.

I find myself saying a prayer for my family, and pray that God shows them that Life isn't supposed to be Lived like that. . . . No one will ever truly value you if you do not love your parents, that's a fact.

Its guaranteed that life will catch you offguard sometimes
Surprise you with things that u were not prepared for
And you will stumble from your path at least for a while
But these surprises are not always bad Sometimes life surprises you with wonderful wonderful things
Like how you may find love in very unexpected places
And wealth in the least place you would look But in the game of life, these things are a must and are inevitable.

When you are caught offguard by good events
Embrace them but do not let them stir you or distract you from your original plan Because good or bad a distraction is a distraction
When such events are bad and they hit you in such a way that life looses its meaningful And the path to your future seems blank and pitch black
Do not stop moving, use your heart and instincts to keep moving in the right direction
And your hands to feels the way and obstacles.
Because in the end it doesn't matter how you got there but the thing is you did get there.

Yours Truly,
Rubi.

Save your soul

Dear Diary

I love Mother Theresa's anyway poem, mainly because it always gives me such satisfaction that cruelty of this world should not be a reason for a person to also be cruel. It goes like this. . . .

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God;
It was never between you and them anyway.

~ :) ~

This poem somehow for at least a moment there when u read it gives u the will power to keep on living and be good. It may not matter how nice you are, how good you are to other people, how helpful you are to other people because people always forget. The important thing is to always remember that anything you do to help others is not for them but rather for yourself and for the peace of your own soul.

People are mean, manipulative, angry, ungrateful, cruel and so many many more bad things, but it is important to remember not to loose your faith and your soul to all that. It doesn't matter why, just be a good human being

Rubi

Mysteries of life

Dear Diary,

We live our lives with hope that tomorrow will come and everything will be alright. we close our eyes when things gets so difficult and pray without realizing that we are praying  and hope that everything will be okay in the end. And sometimes they are, but sometimes they don't. I have witnessed it all.

When they don't its very easy to loose faith and that hope of living we had. you look at someone, who has suffered her entire life, from childhood struggling to get a bright future, then she gets that bright future and then her husband or kids disappoint her. And you look at this person and you wonder why on earth her? as good as she is bad things somehow always finds a way of happening to her.

To a mother the most difficult thing to face is the loss of a child. however when the loss is sudden it hits suddenly and in time the pain will fade away. However watching your son wither away slowly, knowing that there's nothing you can do to stop it or help is the most difficult thing of them all. 

To all mothers out there who are slowly loosing their children to sickness physical or mental, may God fill your hearts with strengths.

Yours Truly,

Rubi

Silence

Dear Diary,

Silence can mean a whole bunch of things, but to me silent means peace. I love leading a quite and silent life with no dramas, and sometimes with a little adventure as possible. i love sitting in my house, in a very silent street reading a book of watching a movie. A place where no noise disturbs me.

However, as we grow older, i fear that silence in our lives is no longer an option. that is if you choose to have a family. but then families are kinda of sweet noise so i'll probably get used to it.

 I have been busy, very very busy that when I go to bed at night I do not hear a thing. Life can be hectic, and can run us like headless chicken and that's exactly what it is doing to me now.

I have my priorities straight though, so it won't be long now before everything settles down. I can not wait for that to happen, I really can not wait for everything to just settle down and be silent. At lest for a while before it starts all over again

Silence
When its chaotic
And can't hear yourself think
So loud you can't hear your heartbeat
Just close your eyes
And think of the moments
The moments when it was once calm

Listen to the sound of the wind
And the sound of your heartbeat
Listen to voice of your own thoughts
Forget all the chaos of the world
That is how you create silence
The world will never be silent

Just listen to the voice of the wind
And you will surely fly


Yours Truly
Rubi

Take the sweets

Dear Diary,

Today I have a little thing I want to share, a friend of mine updated it on facebook and I thought it was a word worth sharing. Here it goes:

Once a baby Girl went to a shop with her mother. The shop keeper looked at the small cute child and showed her a bottle with sweets...
And said, "Dear Child, you can take the sweets".
But the child didn't take. The shopkeeper was surprised Such a small child she is and why is she not taking the sweets from the bottle.

Again he said take the sweets. Now the mother also heard that and said, "Take the sweets dear".
Yet she didn't take it. The shopkeeper seeing the child not taking the sweets. He himself took the sweets and gave to the child. The child was happy to get two handsfull of sweets. While returning home the Mother asked the child Why didn't you take the sweets, when the shop keeper told you to take..?
Can you guess the response:
.
.
.
Child replies Mom! My hands are very small and if I take the sweets I can only take few.. But now you see when uncle gave with his big hands, How many more sweets I got!

MORAL LESSON:
When we take we may get little but when Our Father in Heaven gives He gives us more beyond our expectations more than what we can think of Because His blessings are more better than we can even imagine :)

Always ask God what you want and wait for the Lord to give you more!!

We see people struggle to get more possessions everyday, even if it means stepping on other people or hurting them. They forget that sometimes a good deed never goes to waste, take your time and do good deeds to other people, and for other people as well. Even if the people you are helping do not take trouble of actually ever thanking you, still there's a much higher power that does.

My mother is no saint, but the things she does to people, the kindness she shows to people, and all the love she has ever showed me with has never failed her. I believe that, my mother is what she is and where she is today because God sees all that she does for people. Me included

Yours Truly,
Rubi

Mystery Love

Dear Diary,

Its a beautiful Sunday. And today I have a story to tell, a story of a woman who fell in love. I'm publishing it, as it was sent to me:

"Life was a bit boring after college, with no job and with a very protective mother, I really needed something to do. I had dated one guy in college and I had my broken, and from there on I really was simply trying to go with the flow, I dated one more guy and He cheated on me, I can't say I was particularly heartbroken, because I really am not sure till today why I was in that relationship. Time passed and I got a job.

The job I got nice, a nice position, and just enough salary to keep a fresh from college candidate be interested. So I took it. There was only one problem though, working hours were too long, from 8am to 6pm not a minute sooner. So, it became a routine for me to be arriving home late. And to use two to three buses everyday from work to home. My parents' home is a little far from the city center and even further from The place where I worked. And for all this time I was still single, and one day I met him. . . . In a bus.

I looked at him without him noticing that I was staring at him, he wasn't particularly masculine or handsome but he had this really innocent face and just enough height and flesh to catch me off guard. He was expensively dressed, and I kept wondering why he was boarding a bust in the first place. He was wearing a long sleeved shirt, and a brown trouser, black shoes and He was carrying what appeared to be a laptop in a bag. I didn't get a seat in a bus that day, so I was standing besides his seat, and as I leaned down I simply just wanted to keep staring at him. He had caught my eye, we went down on the same bus stop, and neither said a word to another, as I was walking home, I kept remembering the stranger who had caught my eye. And I kept thinking . . . .

As it was a habit for me to go home late, I saw him a lot that week, I kept wondering where he had been all this time and why I had never seen him before that Monday. But still I could not bring myself to say anything to him, I just kept watching him surreptitiously and my heart kept beating really fast, and I just found my self imagining things that I'd do to him if I ever get a chance.

Then Friday came, and then I suddenly knew where he worked because he was wearing a t-shirt of the office he worked. He looked more attractive in the t-shirt, more relaxed and for the first time I actually let my self admit to myself that I was starting to like the guy, I mean I was even ashamed to admit it to myself, For how could I like a guy who had never noticed me before? We had never even spoke, for the whole week that we have been using the same bus route and the same bus.

When he got in the bus that Friday, the bus was almost full and the only available seat was the one beside me. He entered and he scanned the bus to see if it was full, and then he saw the empty seat besides, as he was approaching where I was seated my heart started thumping, I was so embarrassed because I thought he could actually hear my heart beating. The stranger sat besides me, and he greeted me with a "smile" and daaamn he had a good smile. I do not remember what happened but as we were waiting for the bust to take off, we started talking, and I just found myself relaxing. By the time we got off the bus we were chatting like old friends, but I still did not know his number, but then I was too much of a girl to just start asking a guy for his number. So I didn't. 

Our homes were in opposite directions, so as We bid each other goodnight, I started walking, and suddenly he called me and he told me his name, that's when I realized that I still didn't know his name!!! So I told him my name, and he complemented my name, and then he asked me where Is stayed, and I told him who my father was (its always easier to tell someone who my father is because its easier than directing someone to our house, that because everyone knows my Dad around here, I still don't know why everyone knows my Dad, but I'm guessing its because of his peculiar name)

And apparently he knew my Dad, and his dad knew mine too. And he told me he almost grew up here, something which I also did, but I was wondering how come I had never heard of him before that day, and then he remembered seeing me during my primary school days, and it was really sweet that he simply remembered me as a 12year old :) . So lastly he asked for my number, and of course I gave him and we parted our ways. That night, sleep did not come easily. I kept tossing and tossing around the bed, but I couldn't sleep. And finally I realized what had happened!!! I was in love!

I couldn't let myself do that, I couldn't let myself fall in love with a complete stranger I had known for a week! But still I knew there was nothing I could do about it, my heart had chosen him. He texed me a few times that weekend, all causal texts, but I was thrilled that he was remembering me. Weekend was soon gone, and Monday evening was finally here. At around 5pm I got a text from him asking me what time I was leaving the office, he said he was going to leave the office around the same time too, so we agreed that whoever will arrive first at a stand where we usually met will wait for the other. He arrived first that day, and he waited for me for almost an hour. But he didn't seem angry when I got there, he was really sweet and friendly. But deep in my heart, I knew that I wanted more than his friendship.

So, waiting for each other at our usual stand became a habit. And as we dropped down at our home bus stop he would always walk me home. And one day, approximately two weeks after we had met, as he was bidding me goodnight after walking me halfway home he hugged me, for about a minute and I could feel his heart beating so fast, as he was about to release me I found myself putting my arms around his neck and he looked at my eyes for a minute and then he let me kiss him. His lips were so soft, almost addictive but he was not a very good kisser LOL! But he let my lips lead his, as I was kissing him he held onto me tight and finally he was gasping for air and I let him go. And I stared walking home.

In my bed that night, I kept thinking of how sweet that kiss was and How much I couldn't wait to kiss him again, and again and kiss him everywhere. The next day the same thing happened, and the next day after that. After having kissed for three consecutive days I found my self blubbering the forbidden words in between a kisses. He got really tense, and he kissed me on the forehead and bid me goodnight. I was confused. I kept beating myself up of why I let myself be carried away and tell him that "I loved him" but again I didn't doubt my love for him, my feelings for him were as clear as a day, and at some point I had started believing that he felt something for me too, but stupid me, I had gotten ahead of my self and I had probably scared him off now. He was quiet for the whole of next day, and I walked home alone that night. Oh How much I missed him, I kept thinking of his lips, and how soft they were. Finally I couldn't hold off anymore, and I knew if I called him I would not be able to say it, so I sent him a text. 

In the text, I apologized for catching him off guard with what I said, but I also told him that it was true that I loved him and I did not have a single doubt as to that. He replied with a simple thank u and a goodnight note. His short message felt like a blow on my chest, I had expected something a little more sweet, and romantic from him. But I didn't want to cry, I simply told myself that it wasn't meant to bed. I slept soundly that night.

The next day was long, boring and dis interesting. I kept thinking may be I shouldn't have told him that I loved him, because I really did love him. But a part of me knew that it was a mistake saying it, and I had started coming to terms with the fact I was not going to see him again. But I guess I was wrong, at 5pm that day he texed me that he was going to wait for me,and he did. I had missed him so much. When I saw him I just wanted to cry. He didn't say much in the bus that day, but when we got off the bus he was all himself again. It was a full moon night that day, and it was so peaceful. As he walked me home, he slipped his hand into mine, and for a moment there everything seemed so peaceful, and My heart was aching with joy. I simply didn't want that night to end, I just wanted it to go on and on.

His skin was so warm, and his fragrance was totally blocking my air system, but God I love the way it felt. He walked a lot further that day, and for the first time instead of simply hugging me as he always does, he slipped his hands around my neck, and he kissed me, a very long sweet kiss and today it was my turn to gasp for air, and I was shocked because that day he really kissed me good, he hugged me for a long while and he let me go, as usual with a kiss on my forehead. And stupid me, I don't know why I never learn my lessons the easy way, I said it again that night, I sent him a text and I told him that I loved him. And I didn't care if he did not love me back. 

He did not reply that night, but he sent me a text early the next morning that he slept rather early the previous night. He did not mention the "I love you part" of my text. Our routine continued, and I was falling for him each day, but then something changed, He stopped hugging when he walked me home, he still walked me home but he would refuse to kiss me. And I was really unsettled by this, but then I knew that I did not have any claim against him, after all he want even my boyfriend. A week passed like this, and to some extent he seemed drawn back for some reason. And then Friday of that week came, and when we dropped down from the bus he called a taxi to take us home, he was going to drop me home and then go home via the same taxi. We waited for a taxi under a mango tree near by the road, the mango tree was so big and it had a really heavy shade, as we waited I leaned forward and kissed him, he responded he started kissing me so furiously, and by the way that he kissed me I knew that he had really missed me, but I still didn't understand why he had drawn himself back the whole week. 

At that moment however, all I wanted to think about was his lips and how soft they were, and sweet. We kissed for a long time and he started caressing my waist and My legs got weak, and my knees started shaking. I wanted him so bad, I could not remember the last time I had wanted anyone that badly, and finally the taxi we were waiting for came. We got in the back seat, and he pulled me closer, he caressed my thigh and in between my thigh and I had to use extra effort to hold myself back from moaning out loud with pleasure. He kissed my neck over and over again, and he kissed me until I couldn't breathe no more. By the time he was dropping me home my knees were barely strong enough to support my body. I just wanted him, to feel him inside me, and nothing seemed more important than that at that moment. The whole of the following week we used a taxi, and by the end of the week I knew I had to have him, or else I was gonna rape him LOL. 

So I told him the truth, again that I loved him and that I really wanted him and I was going crazy about him and for not having him. I told him that I really wanted to be with him in private and at that moment nothing mattered more to me than him. His reply was that it was too soon to say that I loved him, and He dint wanted to say anything to me until he was sure of what he felt for me. When I insisted on asking him why? He told me that "there was someone else that he also like"

I was crushed, here I was, me, a girl, pouring my heart out to someone who wasn't even sure of what he felt for me. My body went numb, and as much as I tried to comfort myself that night I just felt myself sobbing, I cried for a long time that night, I simply wanted it to stay night forever, I didn't wanted morning to come, because then I would have to face the reality that the one person that I loved with all my heart didn't love me. That night, I made a resolution that I had to move out of my parents' house and move somewhere closer to my office and also as far away from him as possible. I started avoiding him, changing the time that I got home, and lying to him of where I was when he asked to wait for me.

I couldn't face him, see his face while knowing that he did not feel what I felt for him. I owed it to myself to at least protect my heart from such pain. He bought a car that week, a car that he had been talking about for a while. And deep down I was happy for him for getting what he wanted, as I got down from the bus that night, I saw the car that matched the description he had given me of his new car. I looked at it and it was a really nice car. Then I sent him a text congratulating him for a beautiful car. He called, and asked where I had seen it and I told him, then he asked me why I didn't call him when I saw it, I remember coming up with a lame excuse and I walked home.

I started preparing my self to move out. And for the next four months I didn't see him or communicate with him. I was healing, and It all felt well for me now. One day, he called out of the blue and asked me how I was, I told him I was fine and he asked if he could pick me up that night, that's when I realized that he didn't even know that I had already moved out, so I told him that I had already moved out. By that time, I had met a guy, a really nice one. This new guy Ken, had become my friend, and we got along very well. His genuine soul and smile made feel at ease, and exactly five months since the last day I saw him and he gave me that reply I kissed Ken, and it felt good. To let myself go and be loved. 

A while has passed now, And now I love Ken and we are planning to get married. But I guess, down deep in my heart, I will always wonder what it would have been like If I had ended up with him, instead of Ken"

That's all I got for today, Long yes? But I doubt it if anyone will find it exhaustive. Its a story of a girl who fell in love. And anything that concerns love is welcome in my diary.

Yours Truly

Rubi.

Silence

Dear Diary,

I learned a long time ago that Silence can be both constructive and destructive. Let's say you love someone, and this love is so great that you often keep silent whenever this person hurts you, simply because you can not gather enough courage to tell them that they are hurting you. The result will be a lot of thoughts piling up in your head, and one day if you may end up crazy. I know this because I have witnessed it first hand.

But silence can also be constructive, oftenly when we are dealing with "knowall" kind of people. You try explaining anything to such people and you will just be waisting your breath. Or at times when you really don't have something nice to say to someone, you would rather keep quiet than say something that's is soo not nice and hurt the other person, in such circumstances the best remedy is Silence.

" If you do not have anything nice to say, then do not say anything at all" this is a saying that most mothers prefer, and I support them.

Now back to me. Mylife is pretty much boring as always, I have school and the next one starting on monday. Its kinda exhausting thinking about books all day, but I did promise myself to be good and do good in school this time, so that's just what I'm gonna do. Ooh and Before I forget, my 'problematic' brother started college this month, so he is no longer staying at home, he is pursuing Eng in Computer science, may be something good will happen this time. Either way I'm not so sure so I have my Fingers crossed. But I am just relieved that my mum gets to breathe again, even if its just for a while, until he decides to erupt again.

That's all for today, and I'm officially late for class.

Yours Truly,
Rubi
Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone on the Tigo Tanzania Network

Loneliness

Dear diary,

Every person has got something that he or she dreads the most. I'm scared of many many things, I'm scared of death, I'm scared of exams, I used to be scared of my Mum once, but all that does not measure up to how much I dread loneliness. I have all these wonderful people in mylife, but sometimes loneliness sneaks up to me and I find my self completely alone, just feeling like crying or shouting something outloud. In short I simply get lonely sometimes, really lonely.

It feels like all these wonderful people in mylife, people that I treasure sometimes simply can not touch me where I want to be touched. It feels like no matter how much I try or they try there's always this empty space in my heart that is waiting to be filled.

I'm simply never able to be alone. And I scare myself sometimes when I get lonely, I'm not kidding. When I get lonely I usually start things that I can't finish, and then the next day I'd be wondering what I was up to the previous day, and so forth. Loneliness to me is a temporary insanity.

I know I will get married someday. And if I do I know that I'm goin to marry this wonderful man who is also my best friend that I'm dating. But sometimes I worry whether loneliness will catch up with me too, when I'm alone maybe, or those late nights that husbands come home or whatever the case may be. Still I worry.

My two best friends are having relationship difficulties, one of them is a risk taker who is simply never afraid of trying when it comes to achance of true love. But I know that deep down both of them are driven by the worry of ending up alone and lonely. And I know that they are tired of being alone. Sometimes I wonder if may be my circle of friends is too small, I wonder if I may be needing more people in mylife, but sometimes I wonder if when I become a mother this empty space will be filled, but then again even childern leaves their parents when the time comes

All in all I dread loneliness

Yours Truly,
Rubi

So Random

Dear Diary,

Its been a while, but really my life seems to be fast-forwading itself nowadays. School school school, for some reason I'm never really a good student, and I always believe If I actually take trouble to really study hard I can actually get very good grades. But the sad thing is I really never seem to want to work all that hard when it comes to school. This time I had decided to be very serious with school, considering I paid my own school fees this time, but even so I can feel it in my bones that I'm not doing enough, I'm not giving it all.

I'm really trying, but somehow something else is always more interesting than books, I have crazy number of reading and writing assignments, and somehow I just don't feel like doing any. Anyway, so I'm going to try now, give all that I have and actually can and see where that will lead me. May be I will actually pass after all.

Now, my weight loss, so I know I didn't post my weight loss this week, that's because my friend and I have agreed to refrain from weighing ourselves for a month. We noticed that we were getting addicted to it and now we are taking our time. So a month from last week I will post my weight loss.

So, that's all for today,

Yours Truly
Rubi

My younger Days

Dear Diary,

It has been a crazy week. There seems to be so much to do and yet very little time to do anything really. I have been sleeping late and waking up early, but for some reason right now its 4am and I simply can't sleep anymore. I think I better read something, whenever I read anything "intellectual" sleep always finds its way back to me. All in all school has been hectic.

I'm trying to think of how my life is going to change once I start masters as well. How I wish I had gone to law school when my parents wanted me to :( . But its no use blaming myself now, I am going to make the best use of my time and By God I will succeed.

So, apart from my very busy schedule everything else seems to be going well, my weight watching program is doing great. Its even easy to skip unhealthy foods now, I am so used to this routine that I just don't have to restrict myself anymore. I eat lots of fruits and veggies, and soy beans, and so far so great. Can't wait for sunday to see how much weight I have shed off.

I know this is some sort of a crush program (which I badly needed), but I am going to make all the necessary adjustments to ensure that I maintain the large part of it as my daily routine. Right now I avoid. A lot of meat related stuffs, but after I hit 75kgs I will start including lots of chicken and fish in my diet. I just needed to get back to shape so badly. And I could see myself going back where I was once, and I got so scared.

I remember the first time I knew I weighed 95kgs, it felt like somebody had just placed a big stone on my shoulders. I remember there was a girl who saw me weighing myself and she came near by, and she exclaimed like she had seen a snake when she saw the numbers on the scale, I will never forget that day. Now I was young at that time, less that 15years old, and I did not know what ways to use or do to maintain my weight, but I tried. And for the next four years Up to 2006 I only managed to gain 4kgs, which brought me to 99kgs by the time I finished High school.

I joined college with the same weight, and somehow something felt out of place. But that did not even remotely motivate me into loosing weight. And then I fell in love with a really cute guy (or so it seemed at that time) and I simply wanted to change it all, I started dating him of course, and then all the in securities wouldn't leave me alone so I decided to loose weight, and I did. From 99kgs which I still maintained to 78kgs. And I have never looked better I'm telling you. And it felt so good, and I want to feel that way again, be comfortable in my own skin, so I'm going to try so hard, and hopefully I will get there. Bye bye chocolate and Ice cream :( forever.

That's all for now, write to you soon

Yours Truly,
Rubi.

School

Dear diary,

This week is the last free week I have. I just have to go for registration and do whatever the heck I want with the remaining free time. Its not like I actually have a lot to do anyways, You have got to have money to do stuff anyways. So after registration I am going to dedicate my free time to watching series till Monday.

But, in the mean time I have to start figuring out means of survival. Its weird how uneasy I feel, despite big fat promises for assistance I'm getting from my family I'm simply never comfortable depending on someone else, not even my mum (at least since I started working) So I'm a little uneasy and I have started figuring out ways to survive without the assistance. Its not going to be easy, but I will live.

I'm contemplating how weird its going to be to have to sit in class again and listen and sit for exams and tests and wonder about assignments. This thing scares a lot of people mainly because of the meanness of the instructors and may be because the seed of fear has already been planted in their heads. Anyway, unlike most people I'm not afraid of this, actually I am looking forward to it except the exams. 

So I will keep you updated. 

Yours Truly

Rubi.

The thing about living

Dear Diary,

A lot has happened in my life over a short period and a lot has changed in my life too. Not long a go I had a job, and three admissions to higher learning institutions with no means to pay for them. But now I have the admissions, the sponsors and no Job. Yes no job because I had to quit in order to make time for me to pursue two programs at the same time.

I wont lie, the feeling is overwhelming for some reason, both in a good way and a bad way, I feel kinda scared , I don't know why though. May be its because I am so used of taking care of myself and now I am worried that may be these good parents of mine will disappoint me, or may be because I am just human, and humans are always scared of change. All in all I can not explain what I am feeling today. 

There's so much going on in my head, I am definitely going to keep consulting from time to time, just for the sakes of keeping my mind refreshed on HR matters as well as earning myself a little extra income. Its been a while ever since I felt the need of leaning on someone for help, and now despite the fact that its my parents who have agreed to sponsor my studies I can not stop wondering "what if things goes wrong"

Anyway, time will tell. I am keeping my faith in God and I know that he always lead my way, sometimes more than how I realize. I believe there's a bright future for me somewhere, and By God I will get there.

Enough about me, now my little girl started school three weeks back, she is still not writing anything that makes sense in her books, however she has grown so energetic, she talks more and always seems to have control of situation she is in (except when there's food involved". She has a sharp memory and so far I'm impressed, I'm praying for her and her future.

Yours Truly,

Rubi

Thinking of the future

Dear Diary,

I am not happy. My whole life seems to be one sad event after another. There's never a peaceful moment in my life any more. My heart is so full that I do not know what to do with my self anymore. I am always cranky and moody, all this because I am thinking of the future.

All things that I used to believe in so much, right now I do not know where I stand, My family, my Job, my abilities to cope and even my relationship. . . All of these things seems some how not to be okay or going in to a direction that I would wish them to go.

I am stuck and I am not going forward, I can not remember the least time I was this unhappy. And I really wish to stop and be happy, but my heart is heavy and as much as I try to be happy there's something inside that is simply not letting me be completely at ease. I am starting to loose faith that things will ever be normal again.

For my mother's sake, I'm praying to God that this bad storm passes quickly.

Yours Truly,
Rubi

Busy and Obese

Dear Diary,

It has been a while since I last wrote anything, I have been busy with family and work.

 I have been so tight that now days it is a trend for me to fall asleep on the couch while trying to watch television. Its crazy how one human head can hold so many things, literally from holding nothing to holding and processing trillion things. I am almost always broke now days because of how much I spend on fuel and upkeep.

 I am always trying to look for new opportunities to excel and make some extra cash. From time to time I consult with a few companies on HR and Admn issues, and Its all fine except that I have not really gotten yet that big break that I am always waiting for. That one big job that after doing it may be my life will change for good. Right now  I am working on creating a company profile for a guy who just registered his company. I am charging him peanuts but hey! I am creating my clientele base

So here is how my life is looking as of now:

1. I used to live alone but now I live with my two young sisters and my supercute niece who calls me "Mama"

2. I used to weigh 186pounds and now I weigh 198pounds in less than a year aaaaargh!

3. I never used to cook but now I cook

4. I used to spend a lot of time with my boyfriend and friends but now I dont because I have family commitments almost all the time.

5. I used to be able to control my finaces but now I cant

So basically my life has changed drastically. All this has 100% to do with the craziness of my brother, and I would not lie there are good and bad things that have resulted from his craziness. Anyway I have decided to embrace all the silver linings in my life and appreciate all the good people that God has put in my life. My beautiful daughter, my ever supporting mother and my darling soul mate, just to mention a few.

 I want to start working towards being healthy and beautiful. My goal weight is 132pounds and I am not scared to begin this journey. I have read stories of people who had more horrific weigh issues but they came out of them, so I am going to begin with baby steps and hopefully I will get there. 

I am also going to focus on giving all that I have to my work, my family and my relationship. And on top of that appreciate all my friends that God has given me and Always remember to thank God for he has given me all this that I have.

So, there it is

Yours Truly

Rubi

The thing about Lying

Dear Diary,

I hate lying, I'm not saying that I do not lie sometimes, but I do not make it a habit lie to get me out of trouble. I really do not enjoy staying around people who lie a lot or even befriend one of them. The thing about lying is once you start lying and turn it into a habit of getting you out of trouble you can never stop. I have seen so many people drown in their own lies and at some point get caught with their lies, but still they defend their lies with more lies.

I'm saying that "the thing about lying is that when you start you can not stop" because once you tell a lie and you realize that the truth is about to be revealed then you are more likely to tell a new lie to cover up the old lie. As a kid I used to be pinched a lot by mum for telling lies, she hated  it so much when I told lies, and at times when I told her the truth no matter how big the mistake was she would never punish me, simply because I said the truth. I have happened to have people in my life who lie a lot. Some of these people are too close and important to cut ties with them. I have tried in my level best to help these people change but I have failed.

Another thing about lying is when people realizes that you lie a lot they stop trusting you. And can you really blame them? I mean why even blame them? in most times they can not differentiate when you are telling a lie and when you are telling the truth, so they end up never believing a word you say. My mum always says " a woman who lies a lot is also a thief and a harlot" and as I grow I have come to realize that these things go together, I have tried to count people who lies a lot that I know and I am slowly proving my mum's theory.

What irritates me more is when someone lies even in circumstances that do not need lying, you will find a very simple situation where the truth would have been the simplest way out but still you will find a person lying. Lying is addictive, once you begin lying too much you can never stop and you never control the extent of your lies and eventually it becomes dangerous for yourself and even for the people around you.

 I remember a story I read somewhere of a guy who was poor but used to boast himself as being rich, one day thieves broke into his house at night, they were armed and the demanded that he gives them the money that he always brags about, he did not have any so they killed him as they were trying to force information out of him after killing his wife and children

So lying a lot can kill you "literally" and may also cause great damage or harm to the people that you love so much. These people in my life who lies a lot really gives a difficult time, I always end up not believing a single word they say no matter how simple the issue is. And sometimes they get offended when I tell them that I do not believe what they are saying, but I am not the one to blame, they should instead blame themselves for having lied to me so many times that even their truths to me still sounds like lying.

I will start talking carefully avoiding all things that are lies which I dot have to tell. I will start telling the truth rather than being caught on a lie. No one is completely 100% truth speaker but anyone can avoid unnecessary lies.  That's me, just saying

"...............lies always finds a way of catching up with you regardless of how far you left the"

Yours Truly

Rubi.

Family

Dear diary,

This weekend was mainly spent with my family. In fact the whole of  last week I was staying at my Mum's. My Dad was away on official trip, and my Mum was going through a difficult patch so I couldn't let her be on her own. So I had to be with her.

 Here is the thing about my family,'It's not perfect" It has so many twisted moments that can drive you crazy or make you wish that you were invisible. But, the best part about all this is that there are so many sweet memories that I will not trade for anything

As my favourite quote goes "it may be stormy now but it can not rain forever" so I believe things will get better for my family. I want my parents to be truly happy and to be able to sit back and enjoy the fruits of their hard work, without having to worry about me or my siblings. 

I know that my mum deserves to be happy, she has worked so incredibly hard for her family, for me. She has done a lot for me and I do not even know if I'll ever be able to repay  half of what she has sacrificed for me to be happy and to be who I am today. So, I know things are not exactly looking bright right now, but I know that My faithful God will not let them be grey for much longer, I know he will take care of everything, like he always does.

I know sometimes people do things and later on they hope that they hadn't done them, and yes regret is the oldest line in the book but I still hope that one day we will all get a chance to say we are sorry, we are sorry that we have hurt each other and forgive each other. One day......................

So, only time will tell but so far I am willing to vest my trust on God

Yours Truly

Rubi

Positive things

Dear diary,

I always have this feeling like I am doing less than what I can actually do with my life. This feeling is always there, constantly and sometimes it makes me restless. May be because I really never try so hard to do anything, most things seems to be happening to me effortlessly, and may be that is why I always feel like I could have done much better with my life. I never tried all that hard in school, but I never failed, and I am not trying too hard now at work but everything seems to be going well.

So, I know it is not new year or anything, but I am making a resolution to try hard and give my best in everything that I do. I want to see what I can ripe if I try really really had. So here is my Plan;

• Give my best at work, always using my brain to its best capacity, be punctual 
• I am gonna go to law school and study so hard, for months I will devote my every free time to reading and reading only
• I want to make sure that I spend one hour everyday on my novel, at least five pages per day will be enough.
• Devote my Sundays to My Family , my Soul-mate and My Best friends and at times a little charity work.

So those are my resolutions, and I intend to keep the going. I just believe that there's so much more in me that I am not letting the world have, like you know I have always wished to be a writer, just imagine how many books I would have had If I had started writing then!  But its no biggie, I am starting Now so lets see what happens.

Over the few weeks, the only things I have been thinking are my worst nightmares, the bad things that are happening to my life. I have become so edgy and thoughts consumed, and I frankly have gone numb because I do not want to feel the pinch of anything that is happening. And I hate this "Me" so I am going to change for the better, I will start counting my blessings, my talents, all the good people in my life and all the good things in it too. 

I have a daughter you know, surely I did not give birth to her, my cousin did and then she abandoned her at my Mum's and left. So, I have since officially declared myself her mum. She is s adorable, and difficult when it comes to food but I love her to bits. So for her, and for my darling soul-mate who always knows how to make my life a beautiful place, I am going to be positive and concentrate on my blessings. 

Yours Truly,

Rubi.

Hold my hand

Dear Diary,

Sometimes Life can present challenging situations that even the best of us seem to run out of ideas of how to tackle them. I know no family is perfect and that that every family has issues and most commonly a "black sheep" of the family. In our case that person now is my brother, My mother's only son. He grew up as an intelligent and quite boy, of three of us he is the one who attended the best private schools and all was almost well until he reached form two, and from there everything changed to date.

It all started as a mere foolish age. Behaviours, and slowly he started developing hatred to people and now he is tearing apart my family. By the time he reached high school the situation got worse and we couldn't possibly figure it out on whether he was crazy? Or he was drowning in the pool of hatred and selfishness that he build around himself. My favourite memory is his first day of school, I was in my last year in primary school (seventh grade) when he joined first grade, and I remember he could not cross the road on his own, so he came to my class and there was a teacher in the class and he asked for me, he said "I am looking for my sister, I want her to help me cross the big road". 

The whole class roared with laughter, it sounded weird to them that a boy that tall and chubby did not know how to cross the road by himself, but you see what they did not know is that my brother was only six by then, and he had never had to go anywhere alone in his life until then. So I went out of class, helped him cross the road and walked him further until I reached a point where I know it was familiar to him and then I let him go, but as I turned around going back to class tears filled my eyes because I was so worried that my brother may not make it home safely. That day when the end of classes bell rung, I ran like I had never before, I got home within ten minutes and I remember feeling so relieved when I found him home safely.

 He was a quite cute chubby boy, and he rarely ever spoke. I wish I could turn back the time,  and just be his sister who will help him to cross this road.  But of late, he has turned into God knows what

It breaks my heart, I wish I could tell him this, but I cant because I know he wont listen anyway so what is the use. The way things are going our family will never be the same again, nothing will ever be the same again in our home. So many wounds and so many unspoken words that has burnt holes into any bond that our family members had. My little sister probably hates my brother so much right now because they had an argument last night and she collapsed. My Mum used to love my brother so much, he was her favourite child, an intelligent and thoughtful boy, but right now all I can see is a woman in a deep pain, struggling so hard to hate her son, It is breaking her. My Dad, is in shock of what has been happening now days, and he doesn't speak much and I can see it that he feels so powerless.

I love my parents, I love the fact that they are still together despite the fact that they have been through a lot. Them being together makes our home more than a house, its a place where I grew up and so many memories lies there, but the situation right now does not give me any hopes that my home will be there for much longer. I wish my brother would realise what he is doing to our family before it is too late for him, I wish he would wake up and take control of his life before he causes any more damage to so many lives. He has hurt so many people by all this, and honestly I sometimes worry that my parents may not survive this. They were good parents, strict and we were brought up by an iron rod, I still do not understand what happened along the way.

I am not saying that my parents are perfect, I am just saying that they were good parents who raised us all well and they simply deserve a better life than what my brother is putting them through right now. I need a miracle so bad, I have never needed a miracle this badly.

I can not hold his hand now and help him to cross the road, he has to figure this out by himself because that is the part that comes by being a grown up. I do not hate him, I simply stopped caring about him, He has a choice and the path he chooses is and will always be his choice, I can not hold his hand on this one. I wish I could, but I cant. I am simplu numb, I am shutting all the pain out

Yours Truly,

Rubi.

Weekend

Dear diary,

It has been a while. Well I have been busy, and I had a busy weekend and my week does not look so promising.

My boss is still on leave, which means I'm still carrying his workload baggage, I had a terrible migraine last night and for a moment there I thought I was going to die, but Thank God I'm fine now. I called my mum and told her that I was feeling sickly, and my guess is she did not sleep at all last night and she started calling me around 4:30am this morning, when I didn't pick up I think she thought I had died or something, because she was on her way to my place when my sister finally got a hold of me and I talked her out of coming to my place. I was feeling a lot better this morning so I decided that I will go to the hospital then go to work.

My weekend was kinda fun. On Friday night My friends and I went to a beauty contest, and it turned out to be real fun. Then we went clubbing for a while and finally went home at around 4:00am, then a whole of Saturday we had to attend a funeral 9our friend's dad passed away) and finally on Sunday we went to Church and took one of our friends who has come home for a visit from abroad for a spin around town. And it was fun

So I'm now back to the dungeon, and let the torture begin.

Yours Truly

Rubi

Once again

Dear diary,

Today is so far going well and I wonder why. I am not crazy to wonder why today is going well because it has had very unfortunate happenings but so far none of them have managed to ruin my day. For example, I had to speak to my mum about my brother, yes the one who took off yesterday night, I am honestly not worried about my brother but I am worried about my parents. They have raised us well and considering that we are coming from a working class family we had a privileged life. So since my brother decided to act the way he is my parents have always been constantly worried.

Like I am sure that my dad did not sleep at all last night, because he was in Washington the first two nights when he was AWOL for 24hours. I had spoken to my mum in those earlier times and I told her not to worry, why bother yourself for a grown up person who doesn't care that he is tearing the family apart?

 My little sister on the other hand is on a tight spot, they have had sibling rivalry ever since they were young and now it seems to have gotten worse. Of course my brother has had sibling rivalry with me too, Once when I was on holidays from college he literally beat me up. I remember it was 2009 new years eve, he beat me up so bad that my forehead was swollen for two weeks, but I forgave him because I had started wrapping my head around the idea that he was never going to change. I simply forgave him for my mother's sake

I am not saying we have had Perfect parents, but We have had good parents who have toiled all their lives for us to make sure that we have all that we deserve in life. I would not wish to punish them in anyway because I know they deserve. I pray that after five years he will look back and be ashamed of what he has been doing for all this time. So that is it for now about my family

My boyfriend is off the hook, he had a migraine yesterday so he was acting all sweet and I always fall for that LOL. My BFF seems sad, will check on her later. As of now I have a meeting to attend.

Yours Truly,

Rubi