My love for music

Dear Diary,
My love for music is complicated.I love music and I can listen to almost any kind of music. But it's not necessarily a rule in my book that when I love the music I must also like the ertist, or when I love the artist I must strictly love all their music. And I don't have a particular kind of music that I like for me it's bout the message and how that particular music make me feel or connect with me at that particular time', the memories attached to the song and such things. so as I said it's complicated relationship.

There's one indisputable fact however that I can do a lot more writing and thinking when there's a loud noise from good music. I can write a lot more and read a lot more and understand much better when there's music. But since writing is my real first passion then I'm using the music as a bridge to do what I love the most; putting my rumbling thoughts into words and for that I'm quite pleased with myself.

Again, I have also realized that I have a tendency of using loud music as an escape route when I fell like I'm suffocating in a sea of thoughts especially sad thoughts. Sad thoughts have a way creeping up in my head uninvited and then ruin my day so loud music in my case really does the trick. So since discovering this I dare say my head is quite quite place.

Thank you music and to all good artists who take time to write down good music. As of current I'm totally addicted to Jessie J, especially price tag and flashlight. I have played them on repeat so many times that I can tell everyone in my house knows them by heart now but hey "I pay the bills" that gives me a free pass to listen to whatever kind of music I want and as many times as I possibly can or until my obsession with that particular track runs out

Enough of the rumbling today, back to you Jessie J

Rubi

Tricky Sadness

Dear diary,

Sadness is very tricky. It has a way of sneaking up on you and catch you offguard. Everybody has a sad place in their heart. A place where you avoid to often in your heart because the memories and the feelings are too painful to relieve. But, once in a while something happens and it sends straight to that closed door and everything that was buttoned and closed in comes out flooding the heart and the brain and the pain is incredibly unbearable. Sadness is very tricky.

I have a sad place in my heart, mine is full of the people I have lost. Somehow death really gets to me. Im never fully able to accept loss and the memories I had with people who are usually make me cry. The saddest room in my heart is my daughter Aneesa.

Im thankful for my boy. He is healthy,loving and so alert. But everytime i look at him something reminds me that he should have had a twin sister. Now I know that there are women out there who have had several miscarriages, so who am I to speak. But the thing is my daughter was not a miscarriage. She was a baby who had a twin and her twin survived and because of human error she did not live to see me, her mum. She was healthy and lively and sometimes when i remember her i can still feel the way she used to move in my womb. I miss her.

I was pregnant with twins in 2013. January 1st 2014 i was 28weeks pregnant with fratenal twins and my amniotic fluid started leaking. I went to the hsopital and i was placed in a complete bed rest at the hospital for two weeks. And two weeks later i started getting contactions. I gave birth to my son at 11:23pm to a healthy baby boy. But my daughter came out hand first. When I close my eyes I can still hear the voice of that lady doctor who was in my delivery room saying "Let her be and call her specialist". My specialit took at least 20min to get there at the hospital, and by the time he got there I had not even been preped for surgery. I was taken for surgery and I lost my daughter. She did not survive her ordeal. I couldnt bring myself to see her. It was too painful and I had to stay collected for myson.

Even now, I still feel so guilty being sad, because i feel like its unfair to myson because he is here, he stayed, he lived and yet im crying over the daughter I lost. So i bottle it up nicely and neatly and keep these feeling inside. I feel guilty subjecting myhusband through so much pain again, to tell him what im going through everyday is a touture for him. So a day like today I hust write it down, it helps somehow because I know a stranger will read it and will may be feel sorry or may someone else out there is going through what Im going through too, so this will be a comfort to them knowing that they are not alone.
I miss you baby girl. Rest in peace my ANEESA. I will always love you.

Yours truly
Rubi

Sleepless

Dear Diary,

Its 2am and I can not sleep. My mind is full of thoughts about mylife. How it is going and how I thought it would be going by now. My heart is heavy and i have tears in my eyes, yet I cant really explain why. Its difficult to let things go when one had too much expectations of what the future will bring.

Im worried about my family, my parents in particular. Their health both mentaly and physically. Im worried about myson, he fell sick in december and now he is undet medication everyday since then. Silver lining is he started walking this month at 25months. But im still worried, what if he really has leigh syndrome? What if I lose him too?

I also miss my daughter. I wonder what she would have looked like, everytime I look at his twin I cant help it but remember her. I regrett never seeing herface, not seeing what she looked like. I misd what mylife would have been

Yours Truly
Rubi

Women with nothing

Dear Diary,

I have been thinking a lot lately about women who simply depend of their husbands or spouses for everything. The reason being I have a friend, well sort of a friend, a muslim lady who does nothing but be a wife. I dont mean to disrespect housewives in anyway, but this particular lady is unique because she has two maids to take care of her two kids, and yet she does nothing but spend more and ask for some more. Her husband has married a second wife, and he already has two extra babies with her. So now he only thing that both women do is fight and use their instagram accounts to send each other messages and threats.

The husband has been abusing her, and to the point of givinng her islamic divorce, they call it one divorce or something of the sort. But, she stayed, she posts pictures of her husband on instagram and the other woman does the same, they compete. So that's why I found myself thinking about women who sit around and do nothing. And it got me wondering; would she have stayed if she was financially independent I guess we will never know. But one thing is for sure, I never want to be in her situation,, I never want to find out what it feels like being humiliated and humiliating myself infront of millions.

I have officially started working hard that never before. because mosty I want to be able to fend for myself and myson just incase anything happens. I never wish such pain upon myself. I am still trying to find my bearings, but I have to admitt my office has not bee doing very well, partly because I dont spend enough time here I gues and partly because business is just tough. I pray all goes well for me

Yours truly,

Rubi

Ungratefulness

Dear Diary,

I grew up in a house full of cousins and aunts and uncles. All them passed and some stayed in our home while schooling, working or some doing nothing. My parents were and still are public servants, and as it is a norm in a lot of countries public servants do not earn a lot, especcally the ones at a starting level. regardless, my parents took ther siblings and nephews and nieces in, and fed them, clothed them and paid for their school. I was still in primary school then

The situation never really bothered me, my parents succeeded to save enough to build a for bed room huse, one which they could do he finishing because money was scarce. I used to share my room with my little sister and up to three cousins at times, and somehow iI never realised thats not how we were really supposed to be living, that although my parents werent earning much, but being graduates their salaries would have very much enough to take care of their three children, send us to be better school and ofcourse finish our house on time. As I grew up, the crowd started to dispernse, my uncles grew up, and my cousins eventually ran out of the reasons of staying with us and they left. but the silence wouldnt last for ong because there was always someone new arriving at our doorsteps, and my parents welcomed them with open arms.

And now, 29 years later, we still have uncles and aunties and cousins living with us. It still doesnt bother me them being tere, and my parents can now afford to do everything considering that they have better positions now at work than before. Something bothers me though;

What bothers me is ungratefulness some of these people show to my parents. As a christian I know that we do good without expecting a reward because that is being a good christian. But I look at all those people who passed by as residents at our home at some point of their lives, some have very good lives, some are still struggling, but all of them, only one person and this is my father's younger brother is ever really grateful, and truly loves and appreciates my parents. The rest simply keep coming back for more help at the same time spreading really bad rumours about y parents, some even dare to complain that when they were staying with us the only food in the house was rice and beans. They do not stop even for a minute to reaise thatall the beans were because there was so many of them, and the only thing that my parents could really afford then was just beans.

And then  it does not end there, We still have a few cousins staying with us, and today in particular i would like to talk about one. She is my maternal uncle's daughter. My uncle is a simple carpenter, he manages to carter for basic needs of his family, my mother decided to help with my cousin's education from the moment she completed primary school. Her secondary school results were not so good, so my mother and I looked for a way for her to continue with higher studies and we did. As fate would have it, although my cousin is two years older that my youngest sister they completed secondary eductaion in the same year, and together they were enrolled in a college. I feel that  I should mention that I had never really stayed with this cousin of mine before that, and for whats worth I used to take her as a very nice and reserved girl.

Problems began as soon as they started schooling with my sister. Stories started to emerge that my mother was favoring my sister more than my cousin. My sister was pissed, but I always told her that blood is thicer than water. My cousin isnt as bright as my sister, so her grades have never been really good, but she still wasnt even taking school seriously, at some piont when they started their diploma I had to interverne and start following her up on her progress, because I knew if she failed my uncle who is a nice guy will have a burden. She completed the diploma and together they enrolled for their first degrees. Now here is where all hell broke loose, even though I sat down with them, explaind to them why and gave them all the reasons they should get along, the situation went from bad to worse. My cousin even started talking about my mu, saying really nasty stuff about my mum. When I was told, I did not want to believe that she could say such horrible things about te one person who has always had her back.

So I'll somehow defended her, hen I asked her, she gave me a different kind of story, and in that story even painting my sister as a villain. Im not saying my sister is an angel dont get me wrong, she was a teenager until recently so you can get the picture. But what Im saying is, my sister has a big hearts and lves to share, but even then my cousin wiould always find a way of aligning with the people who did not like my sister. I went to visit my mum recently, and she told me about the stuff that my cousin has being saying about her, everything rang true, because some things are family private things, the moment you hear someone mention such a thing you just realise thatwhat has been circulating all along has been true. My cousin has really been painting my  mum as an evil bitc. It hurt me, and pissed me off. I flashedback to how we grew up, we could have had a better life but we grew up like that because my parents were helping people, and they still are. Its okay for those who never came back to say than you, but for people like this girl, this cousin, I am totally disappointed in humanity. I know now that You can never truly know a person, and that people are ungrateful and hypocrites, you just have to do whats right and move on without expecting any gratitude.

Yours Truly,

Rubi.

Rumblings of an Idle Lawyer

Dear Diary,

They say keep a diary and some day it will keep you. I understand now what that means. Past two weeks have been awful to say the least. I'm hurting, and I don't know if I should be because as a christian I have learnt to leave a lot of things in God's hands, but this diary, has kept me. I went through the posts, and they reminded me of the sweet days and the bitter days, and something simply reminded me that better days are yet to come.As a human being I know I will see joy and misery, but I know now hat it is part of being alive, and I am going t start embracing all the experiences that life is throwing at me. 

A sister of mine lost her new born on good friday. She had a complicated pregnancy and we were all praying that the baby comes out safe and healthy. The baby was alive when he was born, and he passed away 12hours later, and that's the reason I am so sad. I get so thrown off by infants and premature babies deaths these days. But I want to make use of this pain and do something useful about it. I will start a foundation some day, I will dedicate this foundation to my baby girl, and i will make sure government and private hospitals have enough equipments and trained personnel to deal with premature babies. Fingers crossed

I was praying for this baby to survive. In fact we worked really hard into making sure that my sister was comfortable and healthy, but in the end what happened happened. I miss my little girl, yes it crazy because I never saw her, but I can still feel her, her crazy movements in my tummy. Every time  look at my son, being happy and goofy I can't help but wonder what my life would have been like if my baby girl would have lived. I love her and I will always love her.

On the second note,  had to go spend sometime with my mother. I had missed her, and I know she is always happy to see my baby, her only grandchild. My mother gave birth to me in an almost similar scenario, she is always thankful that I survived. She is among my few angels on this earth. These are people who simply pray for me, and through their prayers miracles happen to me. Others are my siblings and ofcourse my two nest friends.I pray that God keeps them.

I have started my own law firm and a consultancy company. So far business is still slow, but I'm hoping that it will pick up soon. Also I'm not sure I have been giving this my all as I should. I love being in my office though, especially the alone and quiet days, because I think so clearly when its calm and silent. I have started writing again, so that means I'm working on my fictional novel and my other normal stuff blog. I must say its been months that I have been bottling things inside and it feels good to put them down somewere.

My weight has been a struggle since giving birth. I am fluctuating up and down, but for now thank heavens it is going down, steadily slow but down nevertheless. I'm happy with how my clothes fit now, although I still have million miles to go. I'm only down 7kgs and I'm supposed o shed 35 extra. I want this gong to be realized by the end of this year. So I'm gonna put down a plan, of how to go about this and how may kgs I should lose every month and how to achieve the monthly goals. My fingers are crossed. 

For today I have rumbled enough,

Yours Truly,
Rubi.

Crushing

Dear Diary,

Writing always soothes me. When I'm having a difficult time processing anything I just listen to my music or write something. I have doing the listening a lot lately, and today I have decided to write. I just stared this new job, I actually enjoy working in this place. I have a really good boss, and amazing officemate. My office mate is a combination of beauty, sweet, crazy and kind. I actually consider her a friend even though we have worked together for only two months.

I have amazing people here, good and crazy and ofcourse I have met the mean. And it all comes together very interestingly. My office mate has a crush on someone, although I think its more than that now, its been a while now since she started 'crushing' on him, so its probably more than just office crush. This guy is generally a good guy, with an ego and arrogance that I think makes him so appealing to most girls. Most girls including myself. I'm never a 'friends who are boys' kinda girl, infact I don't really have any friend who is a boy. But I have also found myself becoming very close to this same guy my mate is crushing on.

He is so easy to talk to and somehow that appeals to most girls. Apart from my husband, he is the only other guy I can talk to. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it works out between my mate and this guy. And at the same time pray that whatever friendship exists me and him remains the same and anything more.

Love
Rubi

Happiness

Dear Diary,

Life is a riddle, and to solve one needs to just keep going. A year ago if you asked me what mylife would be like today my answer would have been complete opposite of what mylife is today. The important thing is I'm happy, and I have a wonderful family. God has been kind to me, he has given me all that a person needs to be happy. And today I celebrate my God.

I look at my baby and I know that I have been truly blessed, healthy and active and as cute as a button, and I know that everything I have lost has been given back to me through him. He is such a blessing, he makes me so happy, and he is such a calm baby. He makes motherhood for me feel like paradise. I can not imagine my life without him right now, my happiness is deeply engrossed in his bright brown eyes.

My career is at a standstill, I have not been able to do a lot because of the baby. I had to be a fulltime mum to ensure that his progress was going well. I don't regret it though. Not for a minute, because the progress that he has would not have been possible if I was distracted by anything else.

Everything else will come, but for now I'm just a wife and a mum, until further notice.

Yours Truly,
Rubi

Becoming a Parent

A lot has happened to me since this year started. A lot of bad, but also a lot of good and blessings. My motto is always to "count my blessings" and leave my trials to my God to take care of. I honestly believe that God will not let us go through trials that we can not handle. Failing to have faith and stand up to our trials is failing God. However, my particular point of focus today is "parenthood" becoming a parent to someone and how it all feels.To me, it still feels surreal. I was pregnant with fraternal twins, and after a lot of complication I had to give birth prematurely at 30weeks. My baby boy survived, unfortunately his twin sister wasn't so lucky. Now back to my Son. . . .He was born on 13th January at around 11:20pm. The most amazing feeling on earth was when I heard his first cry. So tiny but he gave out a very powerful cry. In between the ordeal of pain that followed, all I could think of was my son. I should have been heart broken when I was told my daughter didn't make it, and I was and deep down it still hurts, but the thought that God gave me a chance to become a parent to myson was too comforting.When I saw him, my heart simply melted with Joy, a tiny human being, so fragile lying there in the incubator, and most amazingly breathing on his own through his tiny lungs. To me, it was a living miracle, and whenever I look at him now I still see my miracle, a hand of God. His little gestures makes me smile, he is sooo adorable, and sometimes I waste hours just staring at him, mostly in his sleep. Everything he does just fills my heart with Joy. As a human being I reached a breaking point once or twice in the past month, however I didn't break, because the will to live and take care of myson was too great that a will to die. He was the diving line between my absolute sanity and a full blown insanity.Ofcourse the Joy comes with the worries as well. I worry sometimes when I'm not around him, I even worry at times when I'm holding him. I guess worrying comes with the job. Given that he was prematurely it adds more pressure to my worrying. But amidst all that " I thank my God for this wonderful gift" A friend of mine wrote to me that " becoming a parent is allowing your heart to be walking around the world". And I totally agree, a part of my heart is lying right next to me. And through my "parenthood dumbness" I wonder if this feeling will ever change.I love you son, and you are a part of me, a big chunk of my heart.To Estefan Victory,
With Love.

My Vanishing Daughter

Dear Diary,

I write I'm emotional. Whether I'm happy, or sad or excited, all all other emotions u an think of. Right now I do not really even know what emotions I'm feeling, I only know that I'm really reaally emotional. Loosing a child is most heart breaking thing that can happen to a human especially a human. Carrying a child in your womb it does not matter for how long, feeling the movements in my tummy, the kicks and then that child dies either before u give birth, or during birth or later in life, a piece of your soul goes with that child.

I lost a baby recently, a baby girl during birth. It was really a human error that led to this death. However my intention is not to blame these humans, and I never have. I believe that God has a plan, for me and everyone in mylife, and I know that my baby girl is in a better place right now, I know all that with a great conviction. I'm a believer, and I believe in jesus christ and holy trinity. It comforts me to know that there is a higher power looking out for me.

However, as a human, sometimes u just can't help it. You just can't help it but be sad, really sad because of the things like these. I have been so strong for my family, for my husband, and for my fiends. Further more I have been really trying to be so strong for my remaining child (a boy twin) who is still in the incubator, I know being sad will hinder my ability to take care of him, and I have told myself over and over again that I'm a good mother for doing this for myson. But again I was also a mother to my vanished daughter, and up to now I can still feel her kicks and her movements in my womb. The pain is unbearable. Forgive me God, but I have really tried to be strong. And finally today I had to cry, and remember my daughter. I know she knew that I loved her, and I would have been a terrific mother to her. I can't even miss her because I didn't even see her face. I was too scared to see her face, too scared that everytime I look at her twin brother its her face that I was going to see.

I'm no a saint, but I am a good enough person. I know that all this happens in life, shit happens right? But I have never prayed harder than I'm praying right now, foe my vanished Angel's soul and fr my remaining child, myson. He is still in the incubator, still in the hands of the same people who erred and killed his sister. He is so tiny fragile, and everytime I touch him the only thought that comes into my mind is what if something happens to him as well? What if another mistake happens?

I believe in you God, and I am putting my faith in you out here in public, so that I can comeback and proclaim my victory here as well. Please God, take care of myson, I place him in your hands, I know my worries and tears will not save him, only you can Jehovah. My Jesus Christ and all your angels please guide over my remaining little Angel. Amen

Yours Truly,
Rubi

Missing you

Dear diary,

I'm missing my father. I'm thinking of him everyday, and I hope Wherever he is he is alright and looking down on us. I'm trying so hard to my way, trying to be happy through so much sorrow, but I'm not strong enough. I break down from time to time, and remember that he is really gone and I'll never see him again. He won't be sitting there, at the back of the church the day I'm being wed and watch and be happy for me.

If you can hear me dad, my heart is in so much pain, I miss you everyday, I think of you all the time, I regret all the time that we didn't spend together and get to know each other better. I watch my siblings and I look at their mother and we all feel lost, you were a compass in ourlives. We do not even know where to begin daddy, how were you doing this? It seemed so easy, but really its anything but. We pray for you, no one has recovered yet, in our hearts you are still alive as a morning sunshine, We are all struggling to find our way, but we miss you so much. We see you everywhere we turn, where we walk and when we sleep.

You were a good man dad, my heart aches, I don know where or when this pain will come to an end. If you see my grand Pa there please say hi, and tell him that I also miss him so very much, I also never got a last chance with him just like I didn't with you. I am marrying a goodman who loves me, and I still have great people in my life who loves me, but in myheart down deep I'll always wish you two were there on my big day. I love you both so much. The life you lead, was amazing, you are being missed dad, and grandpa you have a gold star in myheart as the first father I ever knew. I hope u can feel all this, and know how much I miss you all, and pray that your souls are resting in eternal peace.

We will meet one day in the clouds, I know we will. With all my love.

Yours Truly,
Rubi

Grieving

Dear diary,

People grieve in different ways, there are those whose grief can not be hidden from other people because they grief so openly, and there are those people who appear to be strong on the outside but on the inside they are really melting. I am the second group, I usually don't cry in front of the crowd, it rarely ever happens. I cry when I'm with the few people that I love and I cry when I'm alone. I lost my grandfather three years ago, he was a very important person to me, among the first people to be there for at 100%capacity. I was hurt, he was the first close person I ever lost. To make. The matters worse I was not there for his burial, I couldn't because I was away.

To date, I still grief, whenever I remember him I can not help it by cry, and I get these episodes a lot. So I used to think I was feeling this way because I did nit witness him being buried, you know when you witness that I used to think it brings the sense of finality in your heart. But boy! I was wrong, As you know I lost my dad almost two weeks ago. And I made it a point to stay strong for my family, which I managed very well, but my strength failed me when he was being lowered to the grave, I couldn't come to terms with it, it got even worse when they let go of his coffin with a thump as it hit the bottom of the grave, that's a one sound I know I will never ever forget. It felt like a hundred knives cutting through my intestines, so painful and so unreal. For once I believed that it was maybe a bad bad dream and I would wake up, but it wasn't because if it is them I'm still asleep.

And since after the burial, I have been getting grief episodes, when I'm alone in the car it seems to hit me that he is really gone. I can't call him or text him, or even whatsapp him because he is not there. It hurts like hell. I went to visit my step mum yesterday and my siblings, My stepmum is a strong woman and a good woman too. She is young and I do not think its fair that she is going to spend the rest of her life alone. Knowing African women I know she won't remarry, or even have any serious relationship, its very sad. I look at her and I can't help being mad at my dad for leaving her all alone, with all the responsibilities and the burdens. Dad, you have some explaining to do when we meet again, and you know the way I can be persistent!

My little sister is another pitiful sight. You know, everyone expected her to be so sad when she arrived from UK, but she was so fine, in fact too fine to be true. I knew that the truth had not hit her yet, and I knew that it will and it will break her. Now that she is back in town after the burial, poor thing, she is so sad, I know I'm in pain, but I can not even start measuring up to her pain because she had been with dad the longest and she was his favourite child. She of all of us will miss dad the most. I say again our dad had his flaws as any human being does, however he had a way of taking care of things that automatically had all of us depending on him. He had a way of getting things done with only one phone call, that is amongst the things I'll miss the most.

So, my grief is far from over, I'm still trying to comprehend the idea of loosing my dad before I got to enjoy him. But I hope that time heals wounds, and I pray that it heals me and mend my insides.

Yours Truly,
Rubi

Gone Daddy Gone

Dear Diary,

Life is mystery, with so many hidden secrets and a lot of unanswered questions. Some people spend their entire lives trying to solve this riddle called life, while others simply choose to let it flow and enjoy the ride. Of all the riddles that life has to offer, there's none as painful as death. For we do not know what dead people feel, this pain I am referring to is to those who are left behind. Pain so excruciating that no amount of painkillers can take away. Death brings such heartache that even greatest scientists are yet to discover the medicine for. Death to many marks the last time, last laugh, last conversation, last meal, and everything that means a lot to human. Death simply means never being able to see someone forever. Well at least for us who believe in Jesus, until we also die.

I lost my father last week on friday 19th. That is the day will never forget. The pain and all the regrets and thoughts that came flowing into my mind were immeasurable. The pain that even my first break-up does not stand a chance when measured with. A kind of pain that no words will ever be able to explain. Only my heart knows, still does. Regrets of not having used the little I had been given with him wisely, regrets that I did not get a chance to have one more last decent conversation with him. Regrets that I will never be able to hear his voice again. And thoughts of how life was going to change now forever.

I spent my childhood wondering about my biological father. Being a step child to a very Loving stepfather did not leave much room for pain, however I still wondered. I had a song that whenever I thought of him I would find myself singing silently , "daddy wherever you are remember me". And today, for the first time in two years I find myself singing it because I would like to believe that he can hear me now that he is a spirit. I would like to believe that he is somewhere watching me and seeing how much pain and regrets I have for not being such a perfect daughter to him.

My Dad and I didn't know eac other very well, perhaps the fact that I first met him when I was 24years old didn't help much either. He had his faults like all human beings do and most of the time I found myself being irritated by such shortcomings. However I will be lacking gratitude if I fail to comment on what a good father he also was to my siblings, and given a chance he would have been to me as well without a doubt. He spent a lot of time trying to convince my mum to let him mylife, and let him be a part of it. She never allowed it, and I don't blame her because of the pain he had caused her once upon a time. I love my mother, and I do not blame her for never allowing me to have a relationship with my dad and his family because inturn she provided me with a loving family and doting stepfather to me. However, I would give anything right now to just have more time with my dad. Just talk to him, hear him laugh, comment abot my weight or my sister's lack of direction in her career or even hear his voice as he postpones yet again sending me my last instalment for my college fee. Just hear him say anything at all to me.

Death is the finality of everything, the moment they start covering him with dirt only marks the end of tangible him, and that is the moment that hurts the most. I knew my dad for very few years, however it felt like a life time, because now I have it all. The good memories, sour, and the fights and the jokes, he was always so full of life and really a carefree person which was both his best and worst quality. I never said this enough to him when he was alive . . . But I really loved my dad, and whereever he is I hope he knows and sees how much I did and still do.

Remember me Daddy, until we meet again in the clouds

With much love
Your Daughter

Terrible week

Dear diary,

This has been terrible week. I do not remember the last time i had so many misfortunes happen to me at once. I have cried and been in pain both physically and mentally,and as it comes to an end my heart is still heavy from all that has happened to me, and to some of the pain that I am sure that I am carrying with me to the coming week.

Iv been beaten this week, physically physically beaten. And before that my mum fell terribly ill and it was so scary, that evening was so long. The next day my younger brother, the guy whose dipers I changed as a baby beat me up so bad, in the presence of my sick mum. And then that evening stupid my ex who later dated myfriend simply decided to say that I slept with him while he was dating myfriend. Ad if that was not enough my mother who has recovered now simply decided that my beating from my brother was all my fault and I deserved it. So Im in a big fight with her

As if i hadnt had enough crap for the week these two fools, my brother inlaw and his wife had bought a car without telling his mother who also happens to be my almost mother inlaw, somehow she found out that they have bought a car and guess what? The idiots decides that it has to be me whu must have told her. Im so down, im really sad and confused and sad. Im hoping and pray that all this comes to an end.

I have never contemplated suicide but this week has pushed me to the limit. Keeping in mind that I am so broke, i am super broke and I hate begging. I know that this is just a storm and i know it will pass, but God I hope it does fast, coz im not sure for how long I can hold on.

Yours truly
Rubi

People Lie

Dear diary,

 

I knew a girl once, she sweet and innocent, and ofcourse naïve. Naïve in a sense that she believed in perfect love, perfect world and perfect people. but the world was not all that colourful as she thought and soon enough she learnt her lesson. People are not black and white as they appear, well at least not their characters. people on the inside are like chameleons, there are never perfectly good people, or perfectly bad ones either. no matter how devious a person can be they must have done something good, even if it was only for one person and that makes them not one hundred percent devious. And no matter how good a person may appear to be somewhere somehow they have done something wrong against someone and that makes them less perfect as good people.

 

This naïve girl learnt her lesson, people were her school, they taught her how good people can be and how absolutely devious they can become. That people change, from good to bad mostly, rarely from bad to good. She fell in love, and was betrayed, her heart grew cold and then thawed and learnt to love again, this time someone worthy of loving and not just any Jack in pants.

 

This process has made her heart stronger, though she is no longer naïve, she is still sweet, she loves hard, cares hard enough and for those people who deserve it protects them even when such people don't think they need it. or even worse when such people hate her for it. she speaks her mind now, and it gets her in trouble every now in a while People say things about her, some true things that have been woven into a web of manipulated lies and some completely blanket of lies. But again, her heart isn't what it used to be, she is sweet and loving and not naïve, she takes everyday as it comes, live for those who deserve it, thank God for every sunrise and every dawn for her heart is always at peace.

 

Without a care in the world she lives her life. With a motto that you do not have to explain anything, well about yourself anyway because those people who truly loves you knows you and they do not need any explanation from you. they know what you are capable of and how far you can go in doing some things. they spot a lie said about you a mile away, even a web of truth that has been woven into lies as well. And those who need explanation do not really matter, because if they did they wouldn't need any. Life is too short to be stuck in the past.

 

Take one day at a time, and keep moving forward.

 

Yours Truly,

Rubi.

Being ready

Dear diary,

I always thought that when I am married or when I meet the right guy I will be ready to be a parent, but I just learned that you are never ready. I always wondered why men, most men are always so scared of such responsibility, the responsibility of being a parent. But now I know, even if the situation is favorable and all odds points o a fact that you should now be a parent, you can never be totally ready, there is always a shadow of doubt lurking somewhere although some greater than others.

Having said that, I am not pregnant. I had a pregnant scare this week but it turns out it was just a false alarm. When I was deliberating on whether to go buy pregnancy test I started thinking of all the things that I always thought my child will have and which I didn't . For starters I don't even have a job, I am studying two schools at once and I have burnt a hole in all my bank accounts. However, at the end of the day I comforted my self with a thought that I was a good person, a hard worker and my baby would have had all the necessary comforts. Well that and the fact that my fiancé is a super nice human being, when I told him about the news he wasn't a bit shocked (well if he did then he did a good job hiding it) that was also reassuring

I still have only two months to go before I finish classes for both programs. I need to start looking for a job now, I am guessing this scare was my que. As great and wonderful and supporting my fiancé is, it will not be fair to enter into a marriage where I will be totally defendant on him. I need to have some sort of financial independence, besides I am very bad at asking for money. I pray that I get a good job soon.

Wedding preparations have started. my side of family have a task of preparing a sendoff party and my mum also has the responsibility of preparing a kitchen party. All this plus all school work is keeping me on my toes. However I thank God for everything that is going on now.

Yours Truly
Rubi

Sister Sister

Dear Diary,

 

In life there are people who are so important and trying to imagine our lives without them in it, its super scary. Some of these people we are related to and some we just meet them along the paths of life. like our husbands/wives, best friends and a lot more. Today however I only wanna talk about my little sisters

 

I have two sisters, and them and I are nothing alike. However they are so alike that sometimes it leaves me wondering. Both my sisters loves shopping. they love good stuffs, clothes, shoes, handbags and plenty of anything girly. The older one loves shoes, especially designer heels and the younger one loves shoes but flat ones and she could buy a hundred pairs of all sorts and colors of flat shoes if you let her. and then the handbags, watches, fragrances and all that can make a girl appear to be girly.

 

However, apart from our differences my sisters are the only people who truly know me and understand me. sometimes I do not need to explain to them what I am feeling because they simply just understand. They are people who fights my battles. I am a very emotional person, and them too but they always have the strength of confronting however is making my life difficult. And don't worry my hubby to be knows, and he is very protective of them.

 

I plan to become rich some day, very very rich if God keeps me alive, and when I do that these two human beings will be in the front seat of whatever is it that I will be riding. I grew up with one of them and I just met the other one less than two years ago but the love I have for them and the things that they have done and still are doing for me a lifetime will not be enough to express them.  They are the people I tell my absolute darkest secrets to without worrying that they will tell someone, hell they don't even tell each other.

 

When  it comes to family, one would want to have two parents and a bunch of older and younger sibling. Me however do not have a full sibling. these wonderful wonderful girls that I am talking about are my half-sisters. One is my father's daughter and another one is my mother's daughter. Despite that I have never felt so fully connected to anyone than I do with them

 

And did I mention that they are crazy? daredevils who will do whatever the hell they think is right as long as they aren't hurting anyone? they drive me insane sometimes, we fight, and since I'm older I scold them and lash out at them but in the end they simply make my life beautiful. with all the crazy and drama and the love my life wouldn't be beautiful without them

 

I know that as we live we will disappoint each other, make each other really mad and maybe even throw stuffs at each other. however I am also very sure that nothing can ever break the bond I have with these girls. nothing and no one. I love them so much

 

That's all for today,

 

Yours Truly

Rubi

 

My Story

Dear Diary
I grew up in a happy and loving family. My parents were both very good to me when I was little. They both came from a poor background, and when they started working they had to support their families, considering what they were earning was not much our lives were never that of abundance but rather necessity basis. However, amidst all that, my father never failed to make time for me, he would take me for evening walks with his small radio, and I remember us walking for hours at times while listening to BBC swahili or something else of that sort. And I remember enjoying this so much. We would talk and on our way back home my father would tell me stories from his childhood and how he grew up. By this time I had only one sibling a little brother who was born when I was almost 6years old.

My mother, was a hard worker. She worked so hard to support her parents and siblings, at the same time Assisting my father's brothers with school fees and all. I remember my mother sewing a school uniform for one of my father's little brother by hand from one of my Father's old work uniforms. She was gifted with skills and a good heart. All the while, I always had plenty of school uniforms, my mum always made sure that I had at least five shirts and three skirts for my school uniform. I always had a nice school bag and nice shoes. Looking Back now I do not know how she did it, but I always had plenty of whatever was basic for a little girl.

When I was 9years old someone's tongue slipped, and it was that day when I realized that my Father was not biologically my father. As a child, I did not fully get what was going on, I remember wondering if that meant my father didn't love me and if one day he will change and start treating me bad because I was not really his child but he never did. My father loves me, as if I were his own. He has never once treated me like a step child, and as I grow older my father and I are becoming friends. We talk and joke and My father has a special place in my heart. All those good things that fathers and daughters do, the memories and the stories and the funny stuffs from the childhood, all that I have because of my father. When I was 9years old I also become a sister to a beautiful little girl that was born that year, and she is my best friend to date. And despite now knowing we are only half siblings she loves me to death. And I would donate an organ for her if she ever needs it! That's how much I love her.

However, from the day that I realised that I have another father somewhere I never stopped wondering. I always wondered what he was like, if he had another family, other siblings that I did not know of. I remember wondering if things might have been different if I knew my Bio-Father, constantly wondering how my life would have been if he were around. I made an attempt once to ask my mum about it but I was dismissed. And I knew never to ask again. As I grew older so did my curiosity grew. The problem was, no one was talking, not my grandparents, or my uncles no one. They all loved my mum so much and were respecting her wishes of not telling anything about the man who fathered me. Sometimes I would think of him, wonder if he was thinking of me as well. And wonder why he never looked for me. Sometimes, I would cry because I felt pain that I could not explain, the not knowing was killing me, I'd sit there and wonder and cry and look at the sky and wonder what his life was like. I remember crying myself to sleep a lot in secondary school. There was constant pain in my heart and a wonder in my head. However, I never dared to ask my mum, because as her daughter I could see that my ever strong mother was always hurt by such a mention, or whenever she talked about my birth and pregnancy. All that I knew was that My father had hurt my mother so much for her to feel so sad whenever she remembered those times.

All these years, my step father continued to be a wonderful father to me. But it was my mother who made sure that I never lacked a thing in mylife. From school, to nice clothes, expensive private tuitions and all that she could afford to give me. Although our family was not rich, I can still proudly say that I had a very luxurious childhood. Years passed by, and I remember passing my primary school exams but my mum opted for a private school instead, and the same thing for my o'level exams. Over the years our financial situation improved, and to date my parents are well off.

After college I started working, and in six moths I moved out of my parents house and started living on my own. This is when I found my father. It felt like I was dreaming. I was 24years of age by then and I could not believe that it was happening. It felt so surreal, and I was so overjoyed and I thanked God for all that had happened. I found out that he had three other children, my siblings. Two boys and a girl, a girl was born less than two years after I was born. I have never met her to date because she lives abroad. However we talk almost everyday and I have never met a person who was so excited to have a big sister than she was. To me she is a blessing, another sister who loves so me much and me her, and from all that followed, she is the blessing and a my silver lining in a cloud.

My brothers, good kids I have met them both, one is in College and another in secondary school. I am a sister to them, they love me, respect me and I scold them when the need be. And they listen.

My Bio- father on the other hand is the cloud. He is not a colourful painting that I had him painted in my head. I admit that he has been a good father to my three siblings. However I do admit that it is because of his wife that he was able to pull all that off. He never keeps promises, even the little ones that he makes. He drinks and he is so irresponsible when it comes to his health and he wouldn't listen no matter how or who tells him to stop.

I got admission for a masters program, and when my sister heard she persuaded my Bio-father to pay for it, so he said he would. However, until now the fee's second installment is way overdue by three months, and my assignments and tests were not being marked anymore because I hadn't finished paying the fees. I tried talking and explaining to him what was happening, but in the end he stopped taking my calls. Or when he picked he simply said he would call me back and he never did.

Two weeks ago, I was calling him, I wanted to meet him so that I can tell him that I was planning to introduce my boyfriend to my parents (mum and step Dad) and that I was going to be betrothed, he never picked the calls,and he never called back. A lot more silence followed, and to me it felt like stab wounds in myheart. He had rejected me once again, showed me how much I simply did not mean a damn thing to him, and that I could just go to hell for all he cared. That's how it felt, when your father stop answering your calls, nothing can be more painful than that.

I took courage, and I asked one of my mum's college friend what had happened between my mum and my Bio-father to make my mum hate him so much, what I heard was shocking. I started to understand what my mum had to live with everyday whenever she saw me, and I am now wondering how she could have loved as much as she did given the circumstances surrounding my birth. I now do not know what to feel about him. And I wonder he if he deserves my respect at all. I'm thinking what if a man did to me what he did to my mother? And wonder if I will be able to raise such a kid with so much and protection as my mum raised me. And what's worse, I don't think he has ever apologised to my mother for what he did to her, or thanked my step father for raising as his own. How can I respect or love such a person for that matter?

All that he has brought in mylife apart from pain is my siblings, his children. They are a wonderful wonderful most amazing thing to ever happened from such a bad situation. And only for their sake I can not find it in my heart to hate him, but I do not think I will ever love him the way a daughter should love a father. But my siblings, I would go to the moon and back for them. I had two, Now I have five, and All of them good kids, who loves me and me them.

All that has happened lately have taught me several things,first that I already have a father and I really did not need another one. Secondly that my mother is an Angel and that I should keep praying for her everyday. And third that sometimes not knowing is not such a bad thing.

And that is my story.
Yours truly,
Rubi

Engaged

Dear diary,

I am engaged !!!

Yeeeey! I can not seem to say that enough nowdays. I am engaged LOL. It has been crazy past couple of weeks, with official introductions, to betrothal and dowry and now yeeey I am engaged. I am so happy, over the top happy. I am getting married in August 31st to a wonderful and romantic man whom I am crazy about.

So, it all started in early April. After talking to my parents they agreed that they officially wanted to meet my boyfriend before anything takes place. The had met him before, not in a official capacity as my boyfriend though. So, one weekend I invited him over to meet my parents. He came and all went well. And then preparations started for betrothal and dowry.

In our culture, when a boy meets a girl and they want to get married, that boy had to meet with the girls family first. When they approve of him he then has to officially come home accompanied by a grown man (could be anyone from a friend to a family member) and ask the girls parents for her hand in marriage. The girl is usually supposed to be called and identify the boy and state whether she agrees or not. If she does, the girls parents will then go ahead and tell the boy what he should bring as a dowry. (Bride price)

My parents are so good. So right now all the above has already been done and everything went without a hitch, (well almost). And the dowry that my in laws have paid is really just something symbolic to honour the traditions. I love my Dad because he kept it to the minimal and my in laws will forever respect me for that. It will never feel like I was bought or something.

So, the wedding preparations have begun, and I am so exicted, except for the fact I am still too Fat to be a bride. And I'm at loss as what to do anymore.

Anyway, time will tell.

Yours Truly
Rubi

Off_Guard

Dear Diary,

Today I'm feeling a little queasy. Things in mylife have been a mixture of good and bad lately, and I'm honestly at loss as to what to feel exactly. This previous weekend was one of the most happy days of mylife, I was betrothed by the love of mylife. It felt good and still does. My parents are so pleased with me, for I am giving them something that every African parents dreams of.

On the other hand I'm at loss as what to with my siblings. I think something from space hit them in the head, because I do not understand how they can be acting so stubborn , reckless and careless. I hate to see my parents hurt, and I'm not saying I have always been a good girl. In my days I hurt them too, there were times I said things I shouldn't have, and acted the way I shouldn't have, but whatever I did back then my two siblings are doing it tenfold.

I find myself saying a prayer for my family, and pray that God shows them that Life isn't supposed to be Lived like that. . . . No one will ever truly value you if you do not love your parents, that's a fact.

Its guaranteed that life will catch you offguard sometimes
Surprise you with things that u were not prepared for
And you will stumble from your path at least for a while
But these surprises are not always bad Sometimes life surprises you with wonderful wonderful things
Like how you may find love in very unexpected places
And wealth in the least place you would look But in the game of life, these things are a must and are inevitable.

When you are caught offguard by good events
Embrace them but do not let them stir you or distract you from your original plan Because good or bad a distraction is a distraction
When such events are bad and they hit you in such a way that life looses its meaningful And the path to your future seems blank and pitch black
Do not stop moving, use your heart and instincts to keep moving in the right direction
And your hands to feels the way and obstacles.
Because in the end it doesn't matter how you got there but the thing is you did get there.

Yours Truly,
Rubi.